I’ve lived here in Montana for 13 years now, and let’s be honest: by this point, hold on, I know what you’re thinking. I just can’t seem to get out. Right? I mean, it’s basically Hotel California or something. But, you know, the real reason that only one million people inhabit the state is because, truthfully, well… Montana just... sucks. Here are seven reasons why you should NEVER EVER, I repeat NEVER visit:
1. I mean, first of all, they call it the “Big Sky State,” but I can assure you that there’s just so many tall mountains and trees, the sky just doesn’t seem that big. How hypocritical. I mean, you brag about such a big, blue sky, but there’s just too many snowy mountains and trees blocking the view. It’s absurd.
2. I don’t know if you've read or watched A River Runs Through It or not, but if you have, you’d sure be expecting some holy waters made for some serious blue ribbon fly fishing here in the big MT. But, I'm here to tell you that between the Madison River and the Clark’s Fork and the Yellowstone… It’s just terrible (I mean, it’s Hollywood. You can’t trust ‘em anyway).
3. Oh and if you like skiing, just forget about it. The winters here are just embarrassing. Snow? Nah. We practically don’t even have winter. Some days it gets all the way up to 20 degrees. Ridiculous.
4. If you’re trying to visit in the summer, and you’re expecting meadows of luscious alpine wildflowers? Oh. You’ve just… You’ve crossed the line this time. No such thing as hillsides covered in pretty yellow balsam roots. Move along.
5. And if you expect the tap water to be the best quality water on the planet, then you’re totally wrong. I mean, it’s not like Montana is filled with hundreds and thousands of mountain-fed streams or anything.
6. Wait, you want to visit Montana to go on the backpacking trip of your life and be in the woods with no one else for miles and miles around in total seclusion? Well, let me tell you, that won’t be the case. See, you’ll just be surrounded by grizzly bears and moose and black bears and pronghorn and mountain goats and beavers and mountain lions. Some seclusion.
7. If you don’t abide by my suggestions and you do, in fact, come to Montana, you will form a 406 addiction and never want to leave. I don’t think you want to take that risk. Don’t come to Montana. Don’t move here, don’t drive through, you know, don’t even bother buying a map. Just cross the entire state out with a big fat red sharpie, and make sure you avoid the 406 at ALL costs.
I mean, it's just so awful over here in the last best place
