OK, guys, I'm here to settle the disagreement once and for all. Tom "GOAT" Brady is actually just a nice guy who really isn't even that good at football. Compared to the other washout quarterbacks like Peyton Manning, Joe Montana, Brett Favre, and all of the other "legends" that got "too old" to play football, he's probably up there in the top two or three, and here's why.
1. He probably cheats
Deflate-Gate, Spy-Gate, and Snowplow-Gate aside, Tom Brady probably cheats every time he steps on the field. I mean, those throws are too accurate and that arm is just too strong. And even if he's not actually cheating, he's probably thinking about doing it, which is just as bad.
2. He breaks league sponsored rules
The cheating never stops does it? I mean, Goodell can't even stop Brady OR the Patriots from winning games, even if the league puts it in the rule book.
3. He wasn't even drafted that high
He was a sixth-round draft pick out of Michigan, which obviously means the league didn't think he was that good. So if the league didn't think he was that good, that means that he must either be cheating or getting lucky, right?
4. He's old
At 40 years old, he is the oldest quarterback to ever make it to a Superbowl. At that age, shouldn't he be retired? Or at least allowed a walker on the field? A cane maybe?
5. He's got four first names
Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Junior. That's a long name, and every one of those names can be used as a first name. And as they say, you shouldn't trust people with two first names. Well, he's got four of 'em. 'Nuff said.
6. He looks too good while doing it
With all that winning, shouldn't he at least, well... LOOK a little less, ya know... perfect? At least to balance out his Benjamin Button-like football ability?
7. He never talks about how great he is
I mean, with all of that wining, wouldn't you be a little full of yourself? Would it kill Tom to show a least a little cockiness every now again? Everyone seems to be sick of the easygoing, nice guy attitude.
8. He doesn't even get paid that much
Tom Brady's current contract is for $41 million for the next two years, and will only get $14 million of that this season, which only makes him the 18th highest paid quarterback in the NFL. Someone making that little compared to people like Sam Bradford and Joe Flacco means that he just can't be that great, right?
9. The money he does get, he gives away
He has his own foundation. His wife gives millions to environmental causes. Like, shouldn't there be laws against being TOO nice? Jeez.
10. He actually wanted to be suspended
Leading analysts believe that the entire Deflate-Gate scandal was just a ploy to get number 12 an extended vacation. You heard it here first folks: Tom Brady was so tired of winning that he got Goodell to suspend him for four games just so he could have a little more time off. #vacagate #timeoffscandal #toomuchwinning #bringonthechallenge
11. He doesn't even win that many games
I mean, he's ONLY been to seven Superbowls in his career. Out of those seven, he's ONLY won five of them. Like, even the two losses were from the SAME team with the SAME head coach and the SAME quarterback. Coincidence? I think not.
So there it is, the definitive proof that Tom Brady is actually a terrible football player, and just not a great person in general. Stay tuned until next week, where we will discuss the aftermath of the Superbowl, and what that means going forward.
