“I think I’m going to actually date this summer.” Those were fatal words for me. The summer stretches out before me, four months of sweating, late-night drives to 7-Eleven, and farmer’s tans. Faced with my impending relocation to my Stepford suburbia for the next few months, I was grasping at anything that would connect me to the cool, interesting, fun person I was at college. I was a drowning man, and Tinder was my lifeline.

Now, my home isn’t bad, not by any means. But it is, essentially, living in a hamster cage. And in my hamster cage, I do a whole lot of eating pretzels and watching reruns of "RuPaul's Drag Race." Sometimes I switch to pita chips. But rarely.

So, Tinder was my way out of the monotony because even if it ended up being a horrible failure, at least it was slightly thrilling.
So I made an account. I picked a witty little bio, and made the best-looking photo of me -- the one where I think I look really hot, but also (unfortunately) a little bit like a serial killer -- the first photo. And I got to swiping.

Cons

1. The singles in my area are very into stats. “Italian, 6’5”, wanted for carjacking,” etc. etc.

2. I need to see less Westchester Community College boys and more NYU boys.

3. All those NYU boys have gone home for the summer.

Pros

1. I reconnected with a few old high school friends -- what a fun way to learn that someone I graduated with is gay! It’s like going to your 10-year-reunion to see who got fatter and who got balder, except I don’t have to wait that long and we just end up complaining about school and trading coffee orders.

2. I can (hypothetically; I haven’t done it yet) flirt with attractive boys while watching "RuPaul's Drag Race," and none of them would ever know.

Neither here nor there

1. I matched with a boy in a coconut bra. He was wearing the coconut bra. Not me.

2. I lied. I look more than a little like a serial killer. But I think it’s balanced out by how hot I look, so maybe it works? Unclear.

So, after being on Tinder for a few weeks -- which in singlehood is like an eternity -- here is what I have learned:

1. Apparently, I am a sucker for the line, “You catch more flies with honey, but you catch more honeys being fly,” because I swiped right.

2. Tinder is a vast, seething black hole of shirtless beach pics, and a bunch of dudes who are “looking for someone to hang out with.”

3. I’m still not sure if a "gym buddy” is something sexual, or if they actually want someone to work out with. Because studies show that exercising in pairs leads to more motivation and more results.

4. I lied. I have no conclusive proof or studies.

5. I just got a match and message while writing this post. Maybe I am super-attractive, and funny, and lucky in love? Unclear at this moment. He wrote, “Hey.” I’m planning a spring wedding.

Overall, my Tinder life is about as eventful as my real life: mildly fulfilling and full of shirtless dudes. Just kidding. It’s very fulfilling. I have yet to figure out the best way to start a conversation. Is “Hi!” too chipper? Is “Hey” too clichéd? Should I start with a pickup line? But I think I’ll continue with Tinder. Because while it does not function extremely well as a dating app, it is a great reminder that while I’m a pretty lousy dater, clearly there are worse human beings out there. And if that’s not a good moral of the story, then God knows what is.