Relationships can be messy when they end. They can be full of hurt feelings, anger, sorrow, and regrets. They can end in a split second over IM or the end can be painful and drawn out because neither of you wants it to end, but you both know is has to. There can be bad blood that you think will never go away. Yes, relationships are messy when they end, so why would you want to talk to someone that caused such a mess in your life ever again?

For me, there’s really only one reason why.

The reason would be that I still tend to like my exes as a person. Well, after the dust settles on either side and there’s been time to heal from the mess that breakups bring that is. Sure, they may have broken my heart and hurt me. But, after a few weeks or months, I tend to remember that I started dating them because I actually liked them as a friend or as a person before there were many romantic feelings involved. Generally, my ex will remember that too and we’ll talk things out. Things may be a bit awkward at first, especially if my ex is dating someone else, but eventually everything levels out into a nice friendship. There are just certain things from the past that are not allowed to be brought up, lest things get awkward again.

Most of my exes and I have drifted away from each other over time, but I still talk to three of them regularly. The three of them have become very close friends to me, and I don’t know that I’d do without them.

The one that I talk to with most regularity has been in my life since middle school, although we didn’t start dating until freshman year of high school. We broke up around 10th grade. He’s a good friend, even if he’s hard to get a hold of now due to working two jobs at varying hours of the day. He's usually working when I’m awake and I’m asleep when he gets off work, but somehow we still manage to be friends through it all. He’s good at cheering me up when I have a bad day, or just brightening up a day that needs it with silly phrases or inside jokes.

Another ex, who I talk to in bursts of months with texting every other day to months of radio silence, has been in my life since ninth grade — as a friend. We started dating in 10th grade and broke up in 11th grade. The actual breakup was messy. It was over IM and as soon as he broke up with me, he started dating someone else. It hurt for a long time. I have a distinct memory of throwing everything he gave me at him in the middle of our biology class. It wasn’t my best moment. It took time and my moving to a different city for us to really feel comfortable being friends again. But now, we shoot the breeze and play catch-up every month or so. We talk about life, and our old high school friends, and how being an adult sucks but is necessary. It’s a calm sort of friendship; we know that the other is there for us when we need someone to talk to.

The third ex, who I usually initiate contact with, has been in my life since 11th grade, after I moved and changed schools. We were classmates. We weren’t really too close before we started dating. We broke up because he had been lying to me about a couple of small things, but important things none the less. It took some time for the two of us to become friends again. He was angry that I had broken up with him, and I was angry that he had lied to me when I told him that I just wanted him to be honest with me. Now, though, we support each other’s hobbies. I ask how his writing and guitar playing are going, and he asks how my writing and singing are going. He also comes to me for advice, even if he seldom takes it. It’s an easy sort of friendship. It’s always nice to know that someone is there to support your endeavors.

It may be odd to still care about my exes, but that’s just who I am as a person. I don’t see any reason to denounce someone because they hurt me once upon a time. I valued them as a person before, so why would I not value them as a person after?