People often brush off anxiety disorders as the person just being oversensitive, awkward, nervous, or just plain stupid, when in actuality it is so much more than that. Social anxiety disorder is defined as as extreme fear of being criticized or judged in social or performance situations. It focuses on situations that put said person into a position out of the norm-being watched while completing a task, having to say something in a formal setting, introductions, or even something that seems so commonplace, like meeting someones eyes, feeling distress when making a phone call or talking in public, writing in a public setting. All of these contribute to this feeling of consuming fear of being evaluated on some level of who you are or what you are doing, and feeling inadequate while you are doing it.
What often makes this disorder so debilitating is that the people suffering from it know how irrational and unreasonable their anxiety is; they understand that there is no real reason to be terrified to go buy milk at the grocery store, and yet they can't stop the fear of embarrassment from consuming them.
This disorder begins in childhood and adolescence and sets in during adulthood. This means that having romantic relationships, reaching out to people, meeting new people, job interviews, school work, or even daily tasks, become almost impossible.
Living with social anxiety is not easy. I'm often judged or criticized, usually by my family, because they don't understand how traumatizing it can be. My mother doesn't understand why I refuse to go buy her lottery tickets once a month-because I don't know what I'm doing and I'm scared that the cashier will judge me for making a mistake. My brother doesn't understand why I struggle to order food at restaurants when I myself work in one-because I'm afraid of ordering incorrectly, having to explain myself, or admitting that the difference between the two scenarios is that at my work I'm in the position of power while here I am not. My family doesn't understand why I don't like talking to people and why I often like to be alone.
They don't understand that my life outside of my home is driven by my fear of the outside world.
This is how it is for many people struggling to cope and come to terms with their anxiety. We are often judged prematurely, just as my family has done, for our strange actions. We have justified the irrationality into our daily lives so that by a certain point it just becomes natural.
And I'm done letting mine be natural.
This is not me. This is not who I want to be, but instead what I've become: a timid mouse afraid of her own shadow. I refuse to let this continue. I'm putting my foot down and saying no, that it's time to make a change, for the better.
