There are 48,514 horny college-aged students (give or take) roaming the grounds of Indiana University — so as a heterosexual female, why is it so hard to get laid?

Of those students, half are male, so that brings us to a population of 24,257. A quarter of those are probably gay, so now we’re at 18,193 dudes. Assuming another quarter of those males are in relationships, we’re down to 13,645 eligible bachelors. Note: I failed finite math once so these numbers are 100% not concrete and fictitious. But they will do for the purposes of my article.

That’s 13,645 single, college-aged men at my disposal. The number goes even lower than that when accounting for idiots, butter-faces, and sexists. But still, that leaves me with a few thousand guys who are just as DTF as I am — so why can’t I find any of them?

Granted, it could be that I keep going home with the same couple of boys I’ve recycled throughout my three (almost four) years at IU, so maybe I’m just stuck in an NSA rut that I’m emotionally incapable of getting out of, or maybe it’s because I’m a hideous monster with no redeemable qualities.

Or maybe I’m over-exaggerating a little. Based on my track record it’s not impossible to get laid at school, but it’s certainly easier in the “real world.” You know what I did this summer in Manhattan? I interned at a newspaper twice a week, watched Stranger Things and The Office, and went on a shitload of Tinder and Jswipe dates. Without a paying job, I relied on my dates to buy me drinks, to kill all the extra time I had this summer, and to fulfill my sexual needs. With one swipe of a finger and a few exchanges of witty banter, I could get laid whenever I wanted. And when I wasn’t going out with guys from apps, I went for drinks with dudes I met IRL.

How can it be that Manhattan nightlife + Tinder equates more dating opportunities for me than living in a college town teeming with horny millennials? I even dated a guy this summer who graduated from IU a couple years ago who probably never would have looked my way if we were both in Bloomington (my friends know him as “Phi Psi Jswipe guy”). Why? Here’s my hypothesis:

I think it all comes down to the fact that I’m Jewish and in a (locally unaffiliated) Jewish sorority. According to the IFC, Greek Life constitutes about 20 percent of the student population, and according to Hillel the Jewish population on campus is estimated to be about 11 percent. When you’re in a sorority it’s kind of hard to break the mold and hangout with Geeds, and when you’re Jewish it’s kind of hard to break away from the tribe. So you see, I’ve trapped myself within the Jewish Greek Life population; I’m even on the board of Jewish Greek Council for Christ’s sake!

…so how does that inhibit me sexually? Bear with me here.

Jews are inherently cliquey. We are raised by the values of the Torah, and share a common historical background that no one else has. Thus, we naturally flock together with the goal of procreating to keep the flame eternally lit. Note: I am agnostic and culturally Jewish.

So, when my sorority is paired with a predominately non-Jewish fraternity my choices are limited. Of course I think the half-naked, toga-wearing frat stars are drool-worthy hot, but they are usually too busy pouring shots down dime beauty’s throats to even notice my Jewish shnoz. We have no common bond, and no time to waste locking eyes from across the dance room.

As a freshman, there were essentially four Jewish fraternities at my disposal: AEPi, Apes, ZBT, Sammy. Read here for an analysis of how my lowerclassman experiences may have jeopardized my chances of getting laid as an upperclassman.

As a senior, I’ve reduced, reused, and recycled my options over the past three years, who today all party together under the same roof multiple times a week — at the bars.

Ah, the long awaited bar scene – when who you’re paired with doesn’t matter anymore because everyone your age will be at Sports on a Saturday night. When a new score of hot dudes become available to you, and you can meet new people you never would have the opportunity to before.

WRONG! Well, the first part is right. Just the second sentence is a big, fat lie.

Although there are tons of bars at IU, the most popular are Sports and Kilroy's. At Sports, there are three sections: the Jew bar, the not-Jew bar, and the Jungle. There is literally an entire section devoted to the Jews which I can’t really complain about because when it’s not raining that’s where you can find the burgers grilling. But basically, you stand around and talk to your Jewish friends from the Jewish frats and Jewish sororities, and other Jewish organizations. You’re not meeting new people, you’re schmoozing with your tribe. A tribe that, as I mentioned, I’ve already sifted through plenty of times.

I don’t ever really go to the non-Jew area because it’s usually too chaotic to walk around, and no one is interested in making new friends. And if they are, they are terrible at showing it.

The Jungle is my favorite part of Sports, but this year you have to be VIP to enter and there’s no way in hell my broke-ass is gonna pay a fee to grind with a rando.

Kilroy's isn’t set up the same way, but essentially the Geeds and the Jews stick to who they know.

On top of these segregations, I’m also competing — and sorely losing—against some of the hottest girls in America. If you’re seeking a happy ending, you’re not looking for someone who is pretty on the inside. Beauty is skin deep baby, and if you’re not already at least a 7.5/10, your unique personality isn’t gonna score you any more points with the boys.

Back to the guy I dated this summer, AKA “Phi Psi Jswipe guy.” He was a red-head (I have a weakness for gingers), a stoner, and kind of boring but cute enough for me to justify seeing him. If we were both seniors at IU at the same time he probably never would have looked my way, but outside the campus bubble we hit it off. Granted, it was a Summer fling that quickly faded, but I will always remember him as my greatest top-tier conquest.

This essay could be complete bullshit and offensive to some, but it could also be relatable to the average-looking IU Jewish girl struggling to get laid. In any event, the point is I’m single and extremely ready to mingle. You can find me at Sports this Saturday — I’ll be the one drunkenly eating a burger in the Jew corner.