Where do I even begin? It's like the past few months have driven by me like a train at its highest speed. It's like, although I've been here and although I've watched the date change and the days turn into dark nights and the train rolling its wheels over the tracks, I haven't really seen any of the time go by. Like the tracks who can't understand the time that passes as the train rolls right over them; we know the train went by, in fact it rolled right over us, but we didn't seem to experience any of it. My life's been the train tracks for the last few months.
The only thing that was clear to me as it passed by was you. You were the only thing I could see. Sure, there were times when good times happened and there were times when bad things happened. But the only one I could see clearly in my vision through it all, was you.
Life is such a funny thing, you know? One day you're completely convinced that you feel nothing and the next, you're so overwhelmed with feelings that you can't breathe. Like waiting for that train to come. You can't hear it's loud roar anywhere in the distance so you go ahead and assume that it's safe to step on the tracks. You meet someone and you click with them, but there aren't any pressures, nothing is expected to happen. You meet this person and everything seems calm and beautiful. The tracks are quiet and peaceful and the only noise you can hear are the soft words you whisper to each other, the laughs you share together and, if you're close enough, the beating of each others' hearts.
Then suddenly, completely out of the blue, you hear the roar of the train coming your way. Here come the feelings. Here comes the potential for happiness, for pain, for confusion, for love. Here comes everything you've ever been afraid of. It's right here, it's in the open, the train is coming in your direction. If you don't get up and move, you're going to get run over. And it's going to hurt. If you try to get up and move but you wait too long, you're going to get run over. And it's still going to hurt. If you don't tell someone what you feel for them, you're going to be run over by life. And it's going to hurt. If you wait too long to tell someone how you feel about them, you're still going to get run over. And it's still going to hurt.
Once the train runs over the tracks, there is usually no going back. Of course there's the possibility of putting the train in reverse and traveling backwards, just like there's the chance to say you messed up and you wish you had said something sooner. But once you have gone over the tracks, it's impossible to ever take that motion back. It may be impossible to take away the words you said wrong, but it's even more impossible to take back the moments in which you left words unsaid. I promise you that those are the moments you will regret the most.
Even if the words come out wrong, at least you had the courage to say them. Even if the train goes off the tracks, at least it had the power to leave the station. You will never be stuck in the same place if you are constantly finding new tracks to travel.
But if you wait for the train to run you over, if you wait for the train to decide which direction of the fork it's going to take, you are going to be the one who misses out in the end. Feelings are rare. Perhaps you've had different experiences with different people, and different feelings that associated with each of those people. If that's true, then you might be just like me.
And if you get off of the tracks in time, if you speak what's in your heart, sometimes it's just not fast enough, sometimes it's just not the right time. Timing is everything but we tend not to notice it's presence until it no longer works in our favor. And sometimes it hurts even when we do get out of the way in time. That's when letting go really hurts. Because even though we managed to avoid being hit by the train, we still have to let go of the scary experience, let go of the possibility that we thought was our fate.
Jump off the tracks anyway. Say whatever it is that you need to say. At the end of the day, all of us are going to be forced to face an oncoming train that we aren't able to jump away from. When that train arrives, how do you want to be remembered? If you had one last chance to tell someone how you feel, what would you say? The tracks don't last forever...
