For as long as I can remember making judgments about my physical appearance, there had been a looming pattern of hating how I look in the present moment, amplified by thinking about how I looked a year, a few months, a month, or even a few weeks prior. Just being stuck in a constant cycle of comparing myself to what I'll call a "previous version" of myself is not by any means beneficial to me, or anyone for that matter because there is no doubt that I have ended up complaining to my friends about it. While I've been blessed to have friends that cheer me up when my self esteem is low, it shouldn't be necessary for them to seemingly always work so hard to do so. That is something I should be able to do for myself.
I wish I was an athlete. I wish I had a natural drive that seems to be so unique to athletes. The spirit of athleticism was evidently just a phase for me—a phase that peaked in middle school when I persevered through two years of cross country running on patchy roads and trails and two years of track and field spending much of the season running through snow and ice, which was normal if you were a runner in Minnesota. In those days, I had a daily routine that was set-in-stone. If I needed to do a workout, I could come up with an effective one on the spot. I knew what steps to take to lower my risk of injury, after going through my fair share of them as a rookie. The funny thing is that I still ended up looking down on my physical appearance in this phase, but it got progressively worse once I made the decision to not be a part of a sport anymore.
I went through high school without participating in a sport. Much of my reasoning laid in the fact that I transferred to a new school after moving to a neighboring city of my previous home. Being rivals in our schools' sports conference, I was under the strong impression that my new high school was known for its all-star, state athletes which ultimately caused me to shy away from joining nearly any extracurricular activities. Eventually, I found interest in other things and never looked back on sports. I tended to forget about physical fitness more and more often, and soon enough, my efforts to get back into shape were embarrassingly sporadic. I had no gym membership, no space in my house to really do any workouts, no confidence to do workouts outside of my house such as going on runs on public trails, seemingly no time to do any workouts at all, and soon enough, not enough confidence in myself to make a change. I got a job the summer after senior year, one that would force me to bike 2 miles to and from work since I didn't have a car. My amount of confidence was so pathetic that I somehow found ways to avoid biking to work because I didn't want to be seen by anyone I know. That just wasn't fair, and that feeling of cheating myself has loomed over my head for what seems to be the longest time.
At this point, all my concerns are now in the college realm. I think it's fair to say that most of us, if not all, have the best of intentions to not gain the dreaded "freshman fifteen". Most of the time, this expression is associated with lack of restraint when it comes to food. In my case, I have actually been really good about my food choices. I will rarely ever get anything from the greasy Grill/Melt station, I will always pick fruit as my sides when it's an option, and I can easily manage my portions throughout the day. What I didn't take into account was how much direct influence stress has on weight gain. Let me tell you, this new form of intense stress really did wonders in making me feel sh*tty in all aspects of my life, especially my physical appearance.
About two weeks ago, I started making it a priority to go to the gym at least once a day. I would end up staying within my comfort zone by hopping on the ellipticals or bikes because at the very least, I was doing something. This past week, I made the decision to have strict adherence to a well-known fitness guide called the Kayla Itsines BBG (Bikini-Body Guide) with the help of my fantastic, trusty roommate. Although the name is misleading and has made its way into the minds of many as controversial, I have come to the conclusion that it's not unrealistic by any means. What I'm mainly concerned about is that is provides a safe, set workout routine, much like what I had in cross country running and track and field, because I know that is what has proven effective for me.
As cliché as it sounds, I am unbelievably tired of being so negative—about my body, in the way I talk to others about myself, and in the way I carry myself from day to day. I am so done desperately trying to cope with the disappointment in myself, repeatedly, in obviously ineffective ways. I want so badly to stop hating that only one pair of jeans fit me and to actually do something about it. I want to be so empowered to the point of feeling like I truly deserve to treat myself to some really fire outfits. I already feel so much better overall just after changing my stubborn mindset and a few workouts, and I'm ready to reap in the benefits that will keep coming along with this challenge. If I am to be an absolute ray of sunshine in the lives of everyone around me like I have always striven to be, I have to be happy with myself first—that is why I'm choosing the road to fitness.
