All of my life, I’ve wanted to be one thing: good enough. Good enough for my parents. Good enough for a boy. Good enough for everyone. It never occurred to me that being “good enough” wasn’t going to be possible for me.
Being a chronic overachiever all of my life, you would think there was some satisfaction that came to me when I accomplished what I was supposed to. Let me tell you, there wasn’t. There was always something else to be done and accomplished that I was never satisfied with where I was. This ultimately led to this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough.
Recently, I came to the conclusion that I am never going to be “good enough,” and not for the reasons you might think. I knew I wasn’t going to be good enough because there’s always something else to aspire to. Something bigger, something better, something you're more passionate about. There is always more than what you think is available. Now, maybe this is just my inner overachiever talking, but hear me out.
When I was in eighth grade, I experienced my first ever heartbreak. I swore up and down that I found the person I was supposed to marry and I knew I loved him then at such a young age. When we broke up, I concluded I would never be good enough for anyone. At the young age of 13, I knew something I would come to realize six years later as a fundamental truth of mine: good enough wasn’t my plan. Being more than someone bargained for was what I aimed to be. I can already hear you yelling at me through your screen, so let me explain.
Why would I want to be just enough? Because I know what I'm capable of, why would I want to sell myself short? I want to be needed and craved and begged for by that right person. I don’t want to be enough. I want to be more. I want more. Not more material things, but more love, joy, and laughter in my life.
I know I sound crazy. Maybe crazy is who I am, but that thought of being "good enough" shakes me to my core. I couldn't be just enough and I still don't think I ever will be "enough." Not for my parents, not for a boy, not for anyone, and I'm OK with that from now on.
"I'm still learning to love parts of myself that no one claps for."
~Rudy Francisco
