In high school and college you groom and grow. You pick those you want to surround yourself with and grow with them, at least ideally. It's fun and different, especially in college, getting to choose exactly who you wish to spend your time with. Some may be old high school friends, work friends, freshman year friends, college friends and some more recent adult friends. It's an incredible part of life when we can truly choose and invest in those around us.
Especially after graduation, I've realized that the effort in maintaining friendship has to be doubled and far more intentional. Friends are no longer down the hall, in my neighborhood or even in the same state and some aren't friends at all anymore. This used to make me really sad. Losing people always feels just like that, a loss. But I've come to understand that losing some people was the best possible thing to happen.
Now, I don't mean we should cruelly and unnecessarily abandon people just because. I'm talking about a very detrimental and stunting friendship, one that it is possible to maturely extricate yourself from and/or necessary to remove yourself from emotionally and physically.
Here are some key elements I've found that distinguish the friendships and relationships better left behind:
They consistently talk about how you don't do enough for them.
They "love" you the way they want to be shown love and care not how you receive love.
You are never their first priority or hangout option, instead they invite you after their top 4 options because they know you'll be around.
They make you feel stupid and mock you often. (Keyword: MOCK. not joke around or make fun of).
They make you the butt of a joke to shift negative attention off of themselves.
They bring up your past always in a negative way.
They have lots of "talks" with you about you needing to be a better friend to them.
They never ask how they can improve being a better friend.
They vent to you often but rarely give you the chance to either respond or vent.
They make no effort to include or invite you into the other parts of their life.
They suddenly become more interested in you when you have something in your life they are jealous of.
They are rarely happy for you or show excitement for you.
They ask for favors often and rarely come through when you ask for help.
If you're going through a hard time they ignore you or the issue and never ask about it.
They ask for advice, never listen and do what they want anyway.
Their birthdays are a nightmare because they are never going to be happy, no matter how hard to try to make their day "perfect."
They don't appreciate your efforts because they don't meet their expectation.
They conveniently are friends with you and know you when it benefits them (specifically when it concerns hanging out with guys or girls or whoever their interested in).
They talk down to you, your achievements, college major, and choices.
They are big into the public display of friendship (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc) but privately never say what they do online.
They think and tell you often that they are the selfless one in the relationship.
They talk about all they have done for you.
They criticize you more than they love you.
These are just a few. I know some sound obvious but especially when you're in the midst of relationships and friendships like these, it can be hard to step back and evaluate. I think it's also important to note that all of us, myself included, have done some or all of these, but what's key is the habitual nature of them in a relationship and the unwillingness to acknowledge it, apologize or change.
This isn't meant to be a discouraging post. There are so many friendships that are so worth the time and effort and sometimes it can be a hard road, but at the heart of it, if you care for the other person and they care for you, it can be worth it to push through and improve that relationship.
And for the people better left out of your life: This doesn't mean you ignore them in public, refuse to make eye contact and continue to build resentment towards them, though that sometimes feels like the easiest and most satisfying option ( and I've definitely done all those things). The best thing I could do was step away or allow people to drift away. I find that, and admittedly am very poor at, letting it go because that is the best thing in embarking on the journey of standing up for yourself. To release all the the hurtful words they have said, the tension, the drama, is so freeing because you realize that what that was is not friendship at all.
So, my challenge to myself is two things: To not let these relationships exists in my life and not be this relationship in someone else's life.
