You have been hooking up for a few weeks. You hang out, you text and you talk. But something's been bugging you. What are you? Are you exclusive? Are you casual? You work up the courage to ask, and he says, "Friends with benefits."
But what does it mean?
"Friends with benefits" is a relatively new label that emerged in the early 2000s and aims to define a relationship in which two people engage in sexual relations without emotional commitment. But for this to be an accurate description, the two people would have to be friends: It's in the name. Friends are people who are emotionally connected. But if friends are emotionally connected, and "friends with benefits" aren't emotionally committed, what are they? What does he really mean when he says you're "friends with benefits?"
Robert Sternberg is an American psychologist who spent an extensive portion of his career researching love. When we examine Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, we find that there are three elements of love that combine to form different bonds between people: intimacy, passion and commitment. In this case, intimacy isn't defined as a dreamy encounter by candlelight or sexually charged touch; it means connection. Sternberg defined intimacy as a feeling of attachment or closeness to another human. Passion refers to the fiery drive that we feel towards someone to whom we are romantically or physically attracted. Commitment is the decision to stay with someone and make long-term plans with him or her.
In friendship, we see both intimacy and commitment. Friends have intimacy through sharing thoughts and feelings and connecting with each other and commitment through making an unspoken decision to continue sharing and connecting with each other. Friendship lacks passion, which leaves us with a platonic companionship.
The element behind "benefits" is what Sternberg called passion. When passion is the sole force driving a relationship, we have infatuated love. In this type of love, we find crushes and relationships fueled purely by carnal desire. This type of love lacks both intimacy and commitment.
Let's look at this like a math equation. "Friends with benefits" equals friends plus benefits. Friends have intimacy and commitment. Benefits have passion. Adding friends and benefits equals intimacy, commitment and passion, the exact formula for consummate love. This is the complete form of love; this is being emotionally, physically and passionately connected and committed to another human being.
Defining a relationship can be a sticky mess, but a lot of times it's a necessary one. We don't need labels, but we need to know what to expect out of one another and out of the relationship. So what does he really mean when he says you're "friends with benefits"? Friends can't have sex and stay friends. What he or she really means is, "We are two people who know each other and have sex." The term "friends with benefits" can give a false sense of commitment. It makes the relationship sound more appealing. But a lot of times, someone ends up getting hurt. It's totally OK for two people to want a casual, commitment-free relationship. But how about we start calling it like it is.
