I love love. I absolutely think the idea of love, being in love, having someone to love, etc., is charming, exciting, liberating and one of the biggest parts of our lives every day. We see our friends fall in love each day and we celebrate the growing passion two people have started between each other. It captivates us and makes us happy for them. But when it comes to falling in love myself, I find myself at a standstill.

I often would like to imagine that I would marry my best friend one day. Someone who was always there for me, who won't get sick of me, who gets all my weird quirks and habits. But every time I even get a little close, I get scared. I panic because I fear that if I love this person more than they love me, that they will leave me. I fear that they will no longer understand me and that they will no longer want to talk to me. Years of being alone has taught me to not even bother when I like someone. I've grown alone, even though I do wish I don't always have to be alone.

Having friends who support me has kept me strong with what I want to do and where I want to go. I've worked hard and mostly independently to get to where I am today. I've thrown myself in positions of leadership and that require a lot of time and as a result, sometimes I feel like I'm too busy to even think about dating, let alone falling in love.

But I fear that if I fall in love, I will lose everything that makes me who I am. I feel like I will become consumed with the one I love and revolve my life around them, destroying my chances of ever being just me when they aren't there. I don't want to grow dependent after being independent for so long. I fear that one day, if that person stops loving me, I will be left alone with nothing. I feel like my world would fall, I would lose my sense of purpose and forget how to put my broken heart back together.

I don't want someone to break my heart, and I don't want to be so fragile where one person can tear me down with a few words. I want to be strong, I want to keep being myself and not lose who I was because I have fallen in love with someone, but I also don't want to end up alone one day. I fear that I will fall in love and lose it all, but I fear more that I will not fall in love and have nothing to lose other than a spot next to me on the bed. I want one day to be able to need someone so much, but also be able to thrive when they aren't always there. I fear love, because love is so large and vague, it's so strong and so different, and it comes in many different shapes and forms, but most of all, I fear that love will come up when I least expect it.