Growing up I was my dad's best friend; well, up until I was old enough to push his buttons. I remember my dad always taking me hunting, fishing, to the store to pick out what ever toy I desired, and even to go get ice cream. My dad worked a lot; most of the time far away in Michigan or other states. My dad was a bridge painter, a very good one actually. He's the one who taught me how to paint. Our living room needed painted one time and he allowed me to paint the side of the wall. I was so happy he let me! Throughout all these good times with my dad I always felt like something was missing. I could never figure out if it was something I did or if It was him. For eighteen years I never thought anything of it.
Up until my assault my dad was my best friend. I think he blames him self for letting me go over to that house that night. A part of me always feels bad that he feels that way because it's not his fault. After that day was when I felt a huge distance between us. A gap was formed that no matter what we tried to do wouldn't go back. It was almost like a black hole that got bigger and bigger with every word. I began to feel alone even more. My dad had no idea what to do or say to make me feel better. Nobody did. I can't tell you what my dad was feeling or going through, but I do know that at this time his addiction began to creep up without us knowing. My dad was verbally and physically abused growing up; he swore to never do that to his kids.My grandpa was a tough man to get along with and I can't image what it was like for my dad to live with him. On top of that a mother who would do everything for him and allow this abuse to go on. His whole side of his family is clueless on how badly their actions affected my father. I blame them to a point on making my dad this way. Not giving him the affection he needed, not pushing him to go to college to be what ever he dreamed to be, and hurting him. His soul is so damaged that it affected his own family.
Did me getting assaulted push my dad away? Was it something I did? I have so may questions on why my dad left me and the family. Why did he chose drugs over me... These past two years have taught me a lot about myself. I blamed myself for my dads actions when in reality it had nothing to do with me. I have no idea what its like to be addicted to something, so I don't know what he is going through. One thing I do know is that I miss my dad taking me to catch butterflies, tucking me into bed at night and being an actual good father. I love my dad so much that I kept going back to him to help him out of his addiction cycle. I have to protect myself. I will no longer wait for a man who doesn't know how to love anyone besides himself. When he comes around I will be here waiting, but until then I am going to go after my future and prove him wrong that I am not worthless and I am special. I have felt like a nobody my whole life, but now I realized it was the drugs taking. I am someone;I am special, and I am worth it. I'll be here when the drugs stop talking dad. I love you.
