Why Date When You Can Masturbate
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Why Date When You Can Masturbate

How dating became the ultimate circle of jerks

Why Date When You Can Masturbate

How long is too long when it comes to being single? For the many who are currently devoid of relationship, there comes a point where you either miss that window of opportunity to want to connect with someone or slam it shut. Both outcomes are part of what can be a vicious cycle down a so-called path toward supposed companionship.

Dating has become the ultimate catch-22 and the present-day single crowd have accepted the possibility that they may be damned to be alone for eternity if they do not decide to get out there and date again, yet with almost certainty they know exactly how damned they will be once they do decide.

It is the present-day single who understands probably better than most how dating is the embodiment of false hope. In the beginning it is hope that blissfully rains down upon those seeking a companion. By the end that hope filled rain has evaporated into a dust cloud of cynicism. The whole ordeal gives new appeal and appreciation for self-gratification.

Everything about the dating scene underscores the belief held by the present-day single that it is always a better option to just skip the date. By staying home with the one, or for the ambidextrous, two, that you are supremely confident will come—no pun intended—without motive or character issues, you avoid wasting your time and money and save yourself from emotional strain.

More singles are opting out of the option of dating because for far too long they have continued to be made aware of the fact that the dating scene is an absolute mess. This could explain why asking someone who is currently single how long is too long is such a difficult question to answer.

When the single get serious and decide to give dating another try there is always that someone who seemingly emerges from the clouds to prove to them why it was a hellish decision. The experience is unnerving and confounding and all of it transforms the single but serious again about dating into a cynic.

The longer the single stay single the more susceptible they become to believing in that false hope and succumbing to its eventual and inevitable evaporation. At this point they become trapped in a vicious cycle. Now the single but serious again about dating is an even more cynical single. A single that ultimately chooses to close their window of opportunity for unity for good.

When it comes to dating who you meet and decide to go out and spend a day or an evening is often not who you will end up with for the long term.

If you have ever been a part of that single but serious again about dating contingent then you know all too well that whatever man or woman with whom you decide to meet that comes on the date will portray themselves as a beacon of romantic perfection. A welcoming and rescuing shining beam of illumination atop a lighthouse on the banks of the dark and perilous sea that is love. That special someone who somehow slipped through the fingers of all the other choosers and comers only to find themselves fated with you. Awe, how sweet, right?

That sound you hear is the single but serious again about dating turned seriously cynical singles--who all surprisingly have adopted the middle name of Ralph--throwing up in their mouths. Wow, you must think how bitter right?

But you cannot blame the seriously single cynic for this sequence of events. They’re too easy a target and they are likely more vulnerable than you could ever imagine or than they will ever admit. Besides, they are also more likely to be off somewhere pleasuring themselves in ways you could never imagine or than they will ever admit. The blame must be placed at the feet of the seriously stupid single. Like, seriously.

Ask any seriously single cynic a question such as, “why are you single,” “how long have you been single,” “do you still want to be single,” or even, “seriously, why are you single?” After they have cleaned them off they will single-handedly—again two handedly if ambidextrous—point out to you the single stupid, or the several single stupid’s who have severely effed them up which will provide the answers to your questions.

These seriously stupid singles have mutated a once striving segment of supposed former still seeking simpatico singles into cynics using dating as some twisted form of toxic waste. By now there probably isn’t a solitary seriously single cynic left who in all seriousness wouldn’t just prefer to stay single.

The way the seriously cynical single views it is there just isn’t any point in trying to date. Every avenue ultimately leads to another dead end. Meeting someone in person is a great example. This is where you meet the “I work 80 hours a week, then gym and I don’t really have the time to date or go out or do anything else but waste your time exchanging pointless messages and awkward silence filled phone calls” seriously stupid single.

Dating online is no picnic either. There the seriously cynical single runs the risk of matching with the “I’m a free-spirited and flaky, need to get laid on the daily, hall pass from the so and so and such as, open relationship, non-monogamous polyamorous ignoramus” seriously stupid single.

Whether it is a single stupid option or multiple seriously stupid single options it’s all one double-edged sword. The finality of it all almost always leaves you feeling fucked. Nine times out of ten the seriously cynical single will always choose wisely. They’ve been burned too many times not to.

Rather and instead of going on a date where by the end of it they are probably telling their latest failed dating experience a piece of advice they’d be better off taking on their own, thereby avoiding that vicious cycle down a so-called path toward supposed companionship. They just go fuck themselves.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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