When I was in middle school, I used to look around and see many of my classmates in relationships. They would tell me stories about how they held hands at the movies or even kissed. Cute and innocent stuff. I remember feeling left out and not wanted. I would put on a front that I was OK with not having a boyfriend or "talking" to a guy. But in reality, I was a shy girl who felt like no one would ever date her.
As I reached eighth grade I finally got a boyfriend. I thought that I was so happy and lucky that someone actually liked me. I just wanted to make him happy because feeling wanted made me happy. I found myself doing everything he wanted me to do and more. I said "I love you" for the first time and had my first kiss. Was I really in love? No. I was in love with having a boyfriend.
This attitude continued throughout my first two years of high school. I felt like nothing was good in the world unless I had a boyfriend. When I did get a boyfriend, I would do anything to prove to them I was worth being loved. I thought that having a boyfriend would fix all of my problems. I thought no one would pick on me or I wouldn't be anxious or depressed anymore.
Halfway through my junior year, my boyfriend and I (we'd only been dating a month or so) broke up. I felt like a disappointment and a failure because I couldn't hold a relationship for more than six months. I went through the rest of my junior year being sad and angry that I couldn't get a boyfriend. Why me? Why would everyone find love but me? All of my friends started getting boyfriends, and I felt like the odd woman out.
As my senior year of high school came around, I was still single. It took me a while, but I finally realized why I needed to be single. Being single is about finding out who you really are. Before senior year, I had no idea who I wanted to be. I didn't even know who I was. I spent all of my time trying to make everyone around me happy, and I hadn't even asked myself what made me happy.
Being single is also about figuring out what you want to do with your life. I had no idea what college I wanted to go to. I had no idea what I wanted as a career or even how to make that happen! I spent my whole high school life worrying about boys and being liked, so I didn't try as hard in school.
It also is about gaining confidence. As a kid, I was never confident. I have always been curvy and, to me, I took that as fat. I always thought I was average at everything. If you would have asked me what I was good at, I would have said nothing. I have never loved my body or myself. Even now, as I go into my sophomore year in college, I still struggle with loving my body and myself. Is my confidence level where it needs to be? No. But every day I work towards making myself proud before worrying about anyone else.
Being single has also taught me to care about my health more. Throughout high school I was depressed and anxious, and I thought it was just because I was single. I didn't realize that I was sick because I didn't focus on myself or my needs. I decided I needed help once I had the time to not worry about relationships and worry about myself.
It is also about making your own rules. I am in the place in my life where I will decide who I want in my life. I can decide who I want to hang out with and what I want out of relationships. If I don't want to talk to someone anymore, I won't text them back. If I want to be alone, I will be alone. I don't need to please everyone in my life anymore and that's OK.
Most importantly, it's about loving yourself and who you have become. I am so incredibly proud of how far I have come from my freshman year in high school to now. I now realize that I don't need a significant other in my life to make me happy. I am OK on my own. I know what I want to do in life, and I know I am going in the right direction. I have been single for two years and I am OK. Do I still get lonely from time to time? Yes, but I know that when the right person comes along, all of that time it took to find myself will be worth it.
