Why Bad Love Is Good For You

Why Bad Love Is Good For You

It is important to grieve in order to move on
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It's a love game,

Ready, set, go.

For many, love is a test, a trial and error subscription. A multiple choice exam, a waiting room, a scratcher game, scratch off information to reveal if you're the lucky winner. For some it's a maze where you can find yourself lost, looking for an exit for a hour, a month, a year or a lifetime.

If you're like me, and grew up in a household where love was a broken concept, you grew up with misconstrued ideas of what healthy love was supposed to be like.

You always hear that everything is better with age. In your late twenties you're told you will find the right job, right person, right type of partnership. But there are so many layers and types of love. The good and bad you can't plan for let alone when it'll come to you or if it comes at all. Regardless, at the age of 26, I am grateful to have experienced good love and bad love that continue to shape the person I am today.

There are many people who will never suffer the act of betrayal by another being, but there are a wide variety of us who have and will. Is toxic love as good as healthy love? I argue yes, without one you can not have the other, and by other I am referring to yourself. You are never wrong about your intuition, you are never wrong about your gut feeling, trust the vibes, even if they are not necessarily good ones. For those of us who have experienced betrayal from a friend, a partner, and a lover, you know the feeling I am referring to.

I want to create awareness and break the taboo that surrounds betrayal, as it involves pain. Pain is a feeling that we hardly discuss as it creates discomfort. Over and over, I have the urge to break down these mindsets and to create community for those who are going through the hard journey that comes after a love ends.

I sat with a friend of mine this week, Kayko Tamaki who holds a background as a grief worker as well as being a certified Hypnotherapist, we discussed our journey after being betrayed by a romantic partner. Through my conversation with Kayko I was offered a new insight to viewing the closure of another chapter in my life, as well as navigating the different ways which we move past essentially the death of a toxic lover and the relationship. "We are wounded by our understanding of love", Kayko explained, which lead the conversation into the different levels of understanding and acceptance that have to happen in order for us to move past the denial stage.

The unbearable pain that one endures as they deny the reality can hold one hostage, the not knowing how to act or feel after you discover the truth leaves you questioning how to properly act around others who are not experiencing your despair , " Fuck it, go and be exactly what you're feeling, it's OK, your anger, especially for women who don’t embrace it very much, is your fuel to take action. My anger was allowing me to carry boxes over my head that were more than my own weight, and I was consciously aware of this strength that manifested even physically, that allowed me to take action. It feels so good, it fuels so good. " expressed Kayko allowing us to navigate the good and bad of how bad love can fuel you.

Exploring yourself and your strength after it is robbed from you is not easy, but K encourages us to see beyond that, " The pain carves deep, but it also carves an even deeper understanding of ourselves".

After allowing myself to grieve in a place where media could not influence me, I found a new way of loving, a way that I did not know I was capable of doing. A way in which you feel free and reborn. You navigate who you are, what you are worth, what you will never settle for again in life. You let go of the person who did not make you priority, who did not think you were worth the smallest effort of letting you go before dragging you on with endless excuses of why they cheated on you, and you begin a journey they will never be a part of. Through experiencing good love and bad love I am free and ready to be with my future self, without lies, without expectations, just me.

Kayko ended our conversation with a word of advice to those who question the closure of a bad love or a good love, a form of motivation that I've immersed myself into "when we look at impermanence, when we look at the fact that everything has an end, there is a point that without a doubt we will have to grieve a loss. No matter what I am going to experience loss, regardless of its form, it's going to happen with every single person I love, and so right now it's just a form of a break-up. But even if you get to spend the rest of your life with someone, you would still feel that same pain, whether I'm going or she's going, it's inevitable..."




You can read more about Kayko Tamaki and the ways she empowers those who are entering their self love journey as well as those who are struggling with how to grieve the death of someone, something at: http://www.kaykotamaki.com/


Cover Image Credit: Tumblr

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Bailey Posted A Racist Tweet, But That Does NOT Mean She Deserves To Be Fat Shamed

As a certified racist, does she deserve to be fat shamed?
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This morning, I was scrolling though my phone, rotating between Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube and Snapchat again, ignoring everyone's snaps but going through all the Snapchat subscription stories before stumbling on a Daily Mail article that piqued my interest. The article was one about a teen, Bailey, who was bullied for her figure, as seen on the snap below and the text exchange between Bailey and her mother, in which she begged for a change of clothes because people were making fun of her and taking pictures.

Like all viral things, quickly after her text pictures and harassing snaps surfaced, people internet stalked her social media. But, after some digging, it was found that Bailey had tweeted some racist remark.

Now, some are saying that because Bailey was clearly racist, she is undeserving of empathy and deserves to be fat-shamed. But does she? All humans, no matter how we try, are prejudiced in one way or another. If you can honestly tell me that you treat everyone with an equal amount of respect after a brief first impression, regardless of the state of their physical hygiene or the words that come out of their mouth, either you're a liar, or you're actually God. Yes, she tweeted some racist stuff. But does that mean that all hate she receives in all aspects of her life are justified?

On the other hand, Bailey was racist. And what comes around goes around. There was one user on Twitter who pointed out that as a racist, Bailey was a bully herself. And, quite honestly, everyone loves the downfall of the bully. The moment the bullies' victims stop cowering from fear and discover that they, too, have claws is the moment when the onlookers turn the tables and start jeering the bully instead. This is the moment the bully completely and utterly breaks, feeling the pain of their victims for the first time, and for the victims, the bully's demise is satisfying to watch.

While we'd all like to believe that the ideal is somewhere in between, in a happy medium where her racism is penalized but she also gets sympathy for being fat shamed, the reality is that the ideal is to be entirely empathetic. Help her through her tough time, with no backlash.

Bullies bully to dominate and to feel powerful. If we tell her that she's undeserving of any good in life because she tweeted some racist stuff, she will feel stifled and insignificant and awful. Maybe she'll also want to make someone else to feel as awful as she did for some random physical characteristic she has. Maybe, we might dehumanize her to the point where we feel that she's undeserving of anything, and she might forget the preciousness of life. Either one of the outcomes is unpleasant and disturbing and will not promote healthy tendencies within a person.

Instead, we should make her feel supported. We all have bad traits about ourselves, but they shouldn't define us. Maybe, through this experience, she'll realize how it feels to be prejudiced against based off physical characteristics. After all, it is our lowest points, our most desperate points in life, that provide us with another perspective to use while evaluating the world and everyone in it.

Cover Image Credit: Twitter / Bailey

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From Someone Who's Wrestled With Self-Doubt, I Finally Learned I'm Enough

Everyone struggles with insecurity but I am here to tell you you're enough.

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Every human at some point in time struggles with confidence. If you are not part of the mass majority than I congratulate you. That is a true accomplishment in today's world. But most of us battle with our own insecurities the majority of the time.

The internal question of "am I good enough?" It's on a constant loop. Whether it pertains to your intelligence, relationships, body image; there is always that thought circling our minds. Building confidence is a long journey, however, I am here to say it is possible.

I am someone who has consistently wrestled with self-doubt. It is difficult for me to open up about, but the whole part of coming to terms with your reality is the vulnerability of sharing and allowing others to take away from your experience. So here we go!

For years I have struggled with body image, like many do. My whole life I have heard from health professionals that I am overweight. Too far past the healthy percentile for my height and age. Constantly being encouraged to watch portions and exercise more frequently.

I always thought to myself that my life would be better once I lost weight. That more people would find me attractive, my confidence would increase, and I would finally feel at ease with myself. All I needed was motivation within myself, to push for what I have been fantasizing over. I wish I knew that this was not everything.

I didn't start to lose extreme weight until my freshman year fall semester. Something that was an initial healthy outlet, became an obsession. I wasn't a moderate gym member and nourishing my body properly. Instead, I was going to the gym twice a day, running for two hours straight each session, and pushing my body to its limits. I was burning myself out.

Someone who used to always enjoy food dreaded the thought of eating. I would excessively exercise and convince myself that I was full and overeating after only eating an apple for an entire days meal.

As I once told myself that losing weight would change my life for the better, it was crippling to my mental state. I looked in the mirror, thinnest I have ever been, and all I saw was someone who was obese. My mind was messing with my reality.

The anxiety I had over eating was immense, starving myself to achieve beauty. I scared those closest to me. My friends and family, I am so sorry you saw me in such a chaotic phase in my life. I am sorry that I had worried you so much and hurt you while hurting myself.

With time, I caught an illness before it completely overcame me and stole all my joy. What people don't tell you about weight loss, is that no matter how many pounds you lose, it doesn't correct the burden and weight you carry in your heart.

Why do we focus so much on the external, when it is often our internal that needs remedies? It is because we all have insecurities we allow to fester. However, let's recognize that true confidence comes from within. You have to be satisfied with your innermost self first.

Months of healing and I finally realized; I like my soul. I am compassionate. I give back to my community. I give back to my friends. I love my family with my whole heart. I am kind to each person I come across. And that's what is truly important. That is what defines me. Once I realized that I appreciated me for me, my confidence flourished.

Now exercise is not a chore but something that genuinely fuels me! I run outside for pure joy. Not for the pressure to lose weight but to have gratitude for my bodies capabilities. How beautiful it is to know that you are alive, breathing in the fresh air. Feeling your lungs inhale and exhale. Knowing that your body is strong and capable of such movement.

Our minds and bodies need rest and deserve to be taken care of properly. There's no reason to focus solely on the physical because that is not what embodies who you are. There are more important things in this life.

Every single individual has something that makes them special, do not allow for your confidence to diminish by comparison. Do not let the world steal your light through societal expectations. Do not shrink yourself. Someone else's beauty is not the absence of your own.

Your heart is what makes you who you are, allow for the world to see it. Be confident, undeniably and uniquely you. The next time you're in a constant loop of insecurity, use this affirmation; "I am enough!"

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