Why Bad Love Is Good For You

Why Bad Love Is Good For You

It is important to grieve in order to move on
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It's a love game,

Ready, set, go.

For many, love is a test, a trial and error subscription. A multiple choice exam, a waiting room, a scratcher game, scratch off information to reveal if you're the lucky winner. For some it's a maze where you can find yourself lost, looking for an exit for a hour, a month, a year or a lifetime.

If you're like me, and grew up in a household where love was a broken concept, you grew up with misconstrued ideas of what healthy love was supposed to be like.

You always hear that everything is better with age. In your late twenties you're told you will find the right job, right person, right type of partnership. But there are so many layers and types of love. The good and bad you can't plan for let alone when it'll come to you or if it comes at all. Regardless, at the age of 26, I am grateful to have experienced good love and bad love that continue to shape the person I am today.

There are many people who will never suffer the act of betrayal by another being, but there are a wide variety of us who have and will. Is toxic love as good as healthy love? I argue yes, without one you can not have the other, and by other I am referring to yourself. You are never wrong about your intuition, you are never wrong about your gut feeling, trust the vibes, even if they are not necessarily good ones. For those of us who have experienced betrayal from a friend, a partner, and a lover, you know the feeling I am referring to.

I want to create awareness and break the taboo that surrounds betrayal, as it involves pain. Pain is a feeling that we hardly discuss as it creates discomfort. Over and over, I have the urge to break down these mindsets and to create community for those who are going through the hard journey that comes after a love ends.

I sat with a friend of mine this week, Kayko Tamaki who holds a background as a grief worker as well as being a certified Hypnotherapist, we discussed our journey after being betrayed by a romantic partner. Through my conversation with Kayko I was offered a new insight to viewing the closure of another chapter in my life, as well as navigating the different ways which we move past essentially the death of a toxic lover and the relationship. "We are wounded by our understanding of love", Kayko explained, which lead the conversation into the different levels of understanding and acceptance that have to happen in order for us to move past the denial stage.

The unbearable pain that one endures as they deny the reality can hold one hostage, the not knowing how to act or feel after you discover the truth leaves you questioning how to properly act around others who are not experiencing your despair , " Fuck it, go and be exactly what you're feeling, it's OK, your anger, especially for women who don’t embrace it very much, is your fuel to take action. My anger was allowing me to carry boxes over my head that were more than my own weight, and I was consciously aware of this strength that manifested even physically, that allowed me to take action. It feels so good, it fuels so good. " expressed Kayko allowing us to navigate the good and bad of how bad love can fuel you.

Exploring yourself and your strength after it is robbed from you is not easy, but K encourages us to see beyond that, " The pain carves deep, but it also carves an even deeper understanding of ourselves".

After allowing myself to grieve in a place where media could not influence me, I found a new way of loving, a way that I did not know I was capable of doing. A way in which you feel free and reborn. You navigate who you are, what you are worth, what you will never settle for again in life. You let go of the person who did not make you priority, who did not think you were worth the smallest effort of letting you go before dragging you on with endless excuses of why they cheated on you, and you begin a journey they will never be a part of. Through experiencing good love and bad love I am free and ready to be with my future self, without lies, without expectations, just me.

Kayko ended our conversation with a word of advice to those who question the closure of a bad love or a good love, a form of motivation that I've immersed myself into "when we look at impermanence, when we look at the fact that everything has an end, there is a point that without a doubt we will have to grieve a loss. No matter what I am going to experience loss, regardless of its form, it's going to happen with every single person I love, and so right now it's just a form of a break-up. But even if you get to spend the rest of your life with someone, you would still feel that same pain, whether I'm going or she's going, it's inevitable..."




You can read more about Kayko Tamaki and the ways she empowers those who are entering their self love journey as well as those who are struggling with how to grieve the death of someone, something at: http://www.kaykotamaki.com/


Cover Image Credit: Tumblr

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8 Reasons Why My Dad Is the Most Important Man In My Life

Forever my number one guy.
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Growing up, there's been one consistent man I can always count on, my father. In any aspect of my life, my dad has always been there, showing me unconditional love and respect every day. No matter what, I know that my dad will always be the most important man in my life for many reasons.

1. He has always been there.

Literally. From the day I was born until today, I have never not been able to count on my dad to be there for me, uplift me and be the best dad he can be.

2. He learned to adapt and suffer through girly trends to make me happy.

I'm sure when my dad was younger and pictured his future, he didn't think about the Barbie pretend pageants, dressing up as a princess, perfecting my pigtails and enduring other countless girly events. My dad never turned me down when I wanted to play a game, no matter what and was always willing to help me pick out cute outfits and do my hair before preschool.

3. He sends the cutest texts.

Random text messages since I have gotten my own cell phone have always come my way from my dad. Those randoms "I love you so much" and "I am so proud of you" never fail to make me smile, and I can always count on my dad for an adorable text message when I'm feeling down.

4. He taught me how to be brave.

When I needed to learn how to swim, he threw me in the pool. When I needed to learn how to ride a bike, he went alongside me and made sure I didn't fall too badly. When I needed to learn how to drive, he was there next to me, making sure I didn't crash.

5. He encourages me to best the best I can be.

My dad sees the best in me, no matter how much I fail. He's always there to support me and turn my failures into successes. He can sit on the phone with me for hours, talking future career stuff and listening to me lay out my future plans and goals. He wants the absolute best for me, and no is never an option, he is always willing to do whatever it takes to get me where I need to be.

6. He gets sentimental way too often, but it's cute.

Whether you're sitting down at the kitchen table, reminiscing about your childhood, or that one song comes on that your dad insists you will dance to together on your wedding day, your dad's emotions often come out in the cutest possible way, forever reminding you how loved you are.


7. He supports you, emotionally and financially.

Need to vent about a guy in your life that isn't treating you well? My dad is there. Need some extra cash to help fund spring break? He's there for that, too.

8. He shows me how I should be treated.

Yes, my dad treats me like a princess, and I don't expect every guy I meet to wait on me hand and foot, but I do expect respect, and that's exactly what my dad showed I deserve. From the way he loves, admires, and respects me, he shows me that there are guys out there who will one day come along and treat me like that. My dad always advises me to not put up with less than I deserve and assures me that the right guy will come along one day.

For these reasons and more, my dad will forever be my No. 1 man. I love you!

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Being Ugly

What it means to me

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Due to a series of ongoing events throughout my semester, I've reconsidered what it means for someone to truly be ugly. Though it is often used in terms of appearance, I do not see it as such-- now more than ever. Ugliness runs deeper than appearance-- it runs within one's soul and festers into other areas of one's life, particularly in their treatment of others.

I view ugliness as someone's conscious capacity and implementation of malice. Taking time and energy out of your day to hurt someone else, that's what I view as ugly. Some offenses are more minor than others, however, it is still a conscious effort to hurt or affect someone else negatively-- and that's the source of the problem. I truly wonder what causes that sort of behavior in someone, as I, along with most people, simply do not invest time or energy into hating or plotting against others. It seems like a full-time job.

I can theorize all sorts of reasons as to why someone would act this way: hate, jealousy, vengeance, etc. Yet, all of these reasons don't hit the root reason. It almost seems that some people are just innately ugly in their soul. This alludes to the timeless debate of whether one's personality is due to nature or nurture. Again, although our surroundings and environment do have a large effect in our behavior, that alibi only goes so far when multiple people are placed in the same environment, in the same situation, and only some are willing to cross moral boundaries in order to hurt the others. Just because an environment applies pressure to people, does not mean everyone is going to act out in malice, and it certainly does not give everyone an excuse to do so. Some people are simply conniving and, well, ugly inside.

If you have ever encountered people like this, I know from personal experience that it is such a drag. You have an enemy, essentially, whether you chose to or not, however based on their hatred towards you, they are now considered an enemy, a hater, and any other associated term. Know that they will do anything in their power to bring you down, even if it requires bending the truth and creating elaborate schemes, but you have to keep on doing you. Let them obsess over ways to bring you down. At the end of the day, their time and energy is being invested into bringing you down, while yours is being used to build yourself up. They will fall by default. So, keep your head high, act in grace, and make your money. They can sip on their Haterade and watch from below.

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