This is a question I get asked far too many times. Why am I so sensitive? Why do the little things in life frustrate me so much? Why do I do the weird little things I do? The answer to all of these is simply “I don’t know.” Usually, that doesn’t seem like a good enough answer to justify the way I am. But, looking at it now, I don’t need to justify who I am.
Growing up, I didn’t have a bad life, and I don’t have one now. I didn’t grow up in a bad neighborhood. My family didn’t abuse or mistreat me in any way. I’ve always had a few good friends. So, for the longest time, I felt ashamed for feeling the way I was. I was ashamed of feeling so sad and lonely. I felt as though I had no right to be depressed.
It wasn’t until a few weeks into this semester at college, which also happened to be my first, that I realized I didn’t have to have a reason. Some people are just sad and that is not a problem. The problem with mental illnesses, especially depression and anxiety, is that they are simultaneously being beautified and stigmatized. Everywhere you look on social media, there are going to be people glorifying depression as some beautiful girl with makeup streaming down her face and sad music playing in the background. There are going to be people glorifying anxiety as some beautiful girl nervously shaking her leg and shyly looking away from any type of accidental eye contact. Neither one is true.
Depression makes it hard to get anything done. All you want to do is lay in bed and not exist. It makes you seem bitter and hateful and it tends to drive other people away. Anxiety makes any task seem downright impossible while making you feel as though you absolutely have to get it done that minute, otherwise the rest of you life would fall apart. Anxiety is when you desperately want to connect with people, but you can’t because you just don’t know how. Anxiety makes you want to ask someone you know to go ask for extra ranch at the restaurant you’ve been to a thousand times, but also not wanting to cause them any trouble, so you decide to just go without it. Depression makes you not want to do anything. Anxiety makes you feel like you need to do everything.
Having both is absolutely terrifying.
But, another thing I realized coming into college is that I am absolutely not alone in the way I feel. It is such a common thing to have one, or both, of these mental illnesses. Still, no one wants to talk about it. So, let me tell you this: You do not have to have a reason to be sad or nervous. There are other people out here just like you. You. Are. Not. Alone.
