As I sit here writing this article, the wounds of bullying, although healed, are still tender to the touch. However, my pain does not come from the words that were said to me, the names I was called or even the beatings I took. In fact, I am very proud to say that I am a survivor and I’m proud of the person I became because of the experience. I am not alone however, there are several other victims of bullying and some unfortunately, were not as lucky as I was. My grief comes from the fact that my school had promised me friendship and security to pursue my dreams. Neither of those things happened, and to this day I still feel robbed by a system that failed me so miserably. Despite this though, my experiences have allowed me to have a first-hand look into why I managed to slip through the cracks.
Growing up, I often found myself the victim of bullying from an age as young as six up until I reached high school. I was often afraid to fight back because of my small size, and a lack of friends meant I had no backup. Luckily for me though, my school had taught me and hundreds of others at countless assemblies and presentations from a very young age that fighting back was simply not necessary. I was taught that the easiest solution to bullying was for a victim or bystander to immediately find an adult, teacher, or authority figure, and they would solve the problem for me. As for the adults themselves, they were instructed to quickly diffuse any bullying situation they saw. Finally, the bullies were instructed that their actions were wrong and would have consequences.
This system was extremely poor and from my own personal experience had very little success. The main problem came from a gross generalization of bullying, and the reasons it happens. Bullying occurs for one reason and one reason only; a child with low self-esteem feels a desire to improve it by putting down or abusing someone else. Looking back, every single bully I ever encountered had a crippling insecurity. Whether it was failing grades, or a rough life at home, they felt a need to compensate by asserting themselves. In that mindset no one can expect a bully to care about what is right and wrong, or for that matter the ensuing consequences. This problem is psychological, and the only way to stop a bully from committing these actions, is with therapeutic action.
Bullies are not going to stop being bullies if the only solution to solve the problem after the fact with disciplinary action. That’s not to say there should be no consequences for bullies, but there should also be a conscious effort to understand why the person felt compelled to do what he or she did, as well as a coherent explanation as to why the action was wrong and hurtful. Simply telling bullies that it is wrong to have the feelings that they possess and then punish them for acting out on said feelings only makes them hate the system, and in turn they don’t learn anything of value.
As for the victims and bystanders, getting an adult is an effective and nice idea, but how long will that last? Anyone who has been to school knows that bullying takes place away from any adults, so it is rare that a bystander can get one while the action is happening. The victim, is also faced with the fear of a bully’s vengeance. Personally, I feared going to an authority figure after being bullied because I knew that after he was disciplined he would come after me again, harder. The biggest problem that comes from this theory though, is the fact that it completely robs victims and bystanders of any personal responsibility.
At its core, the strategy says, “Don’t do anything, just get an adult and they’ll make everything okay.” Can that logic be applied to the real world once they live on their own and become adults themselves? In fact just as the bullies learned to hate the system, I ended up doing the same because I saw a system who assured me that they were going to protect me fail right before my eyes. I still have a lack of faith in conflict resolution as well as authority figures and would much rather solve problems on my own than by putting them in the hands of an authority figure in any setting. It was only when I realized that there was nothing that my school, who had promised me safety, could do for me that I took matters into my own hands and the bullying stopped.
Teaching victims of bullying and bystanders to fight back or intervene is risky and something that I will most likely never see. However, I believe it is the only way to solve bullying. If fighting fire with fire wouldn’t solve anything, then how come kids who are bigger and stronger don’t get picked on? The failure of anti-bullying campaigns and stances by schools is that they teach helpless kids that authority figures will solve everything, and bullies that they must follow their rules or suffer the consequences. At best a bully will learn to respect authority, rather than respect others. In my case, the kids that bullied me never learned, and now follow lives of crime and other anti-authority activities. There is no perfect way to solve bullying overnight, but the fact that I suffered for six years while being driven to the brink of suicide and I’m considered one of the lucky ones shows that the current approach is broken.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that if my son ever came home crying because of something a bully did to him-- like I did many times--if he was scared to go to school the next day because he was afraid a bully was going to hurt him, which I was, I’m not going to tell him that his teacher, principal, or even his dad will make everything okay. I’m going to tell him to fight back.
