Fall semester of my sophomore year of college, and I was pumped. I had a very successful freshman year. I was cast in two out of three shows, made many improvements in my singing and dancing, and met some of the greatest people in the whole world. My summer was also full of success in my craft and I learned a lot, so I really couldn't disappoint anyone when I got back to school! I had a lot to live up to, and there was no way I was going to let people down. I made it my goal to be perfect. I mean, what's so hard about achieving perfection anyway, right? Easy-peasy, right?

This word was on a constant loop in my head from the minute I woke up to the minute I fell asleep. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. I must be perfect. If I wasn't, how could people like me? How could anyone want to be my friend if I wasn't perfect?

Well, the more I thought this way, I realized I wasn't achieving this unrealistic standard I set for myself. I fought harder and harder to be perfect. My anxiety took over and turned me into someone that I don't like because of this word. But I could never let people know I was struggling because that's not perfect. And I must be perfect. But the more I tried to be perfect, the more I asked myself, "Why don't I like myself anymore?"

These toxic thoughts grew into self-doubt and self-hate. They affected everything about my life and eventually affected my performance abilities. Performing is something that has always been my escape and now I wasn't enjoying it because I was so worried about being perfect. That was the last straw.

The moment I realized that my performances were suffering because of this crazy, messed up fear I had of not being perfect, I knew something needed to change. I refuse to let anything get in the way of what I am most passionate about. Including myself.

Over Christmas break, I finally got a chance to settle myself and find the person I was before the word perfect took over my life. And boy, oh boy, do I love that she is back!

It finally sank in that "perfection" is not humanly possible. How could I have ever let myself strive to be something that is so far beyond attainable? How could I let other people's thoughts of me rule my whole life? How could I stop loving myself because of this silly word? The people I am around the most aren't perfect, and I look up to and love them so much for that. Their flaws are beautiful and I couldn't imagine them being any other way. So, does that mean the same for me? Yes.

I accept all of my flaws because they make me who I am.

I accept all of my failures and mess-ups.

I accept not being perfect.

I don't want to be perfect.

I love myself because I am not perfect.

I realize that the people in my life who are my true friends will love me and accept me no matter what. No one has ever expected me to be perfect, and I never expected them to be perfect. So why expect perfection from myself?

Am I completely healed? No, not at all. I still have moments where the thoughts start circulating, but I know how to stop them before they take over again. I know I am on the path to a much happier and healthier life now that I accept myself again.

To all the young people who are where I was at the end of my fall semester, please hear me when I say: you aren't perfect and you don't want to be. All of your quirks and flaws are a part of who you are and what makes you unique and interesting. Without them, who are you?

Accept yourself and accept the love from your friends, family, mentors, and parents. Your real friends will love you regardless and you won't be looked down upon if you mess up here and there. That's life. We're supposed to make mistakes every once in a while. Allow yourself to make them because you will grow from them.

Perfect is unattainable, but happiness isn't. Embrace your imperfection and let yourself be real.

Life got so much sweeter when I finally did.