Every time I muster up the courage to venture out into the great, wide, Tinder-verse, I almost immediately find myself running away from my inbox at breakneck speed, cowering from the vomit-inducing messages men have sent me. During my brief stints in Tinder dating, my thought process often goes something like, "I'm just trying to find a boy to take to coffee! Why am I being objectified right now?!" As an intelligent, empowered woman, I decided to flip the switch. This week, I messaged men using objectifying opening lines that I've received in the past. The results were both unsettling and hilarious. (But mostly hilarious.)

For those that are unaware, Tinder is an online dating app that allows users to swipe right or left to "like" or "pass" another user's profile. If both parties swipe right and "like" each other, the users are matched and are allowed to message one another directly. Each profile consists of a handful of photos and a brief biography.

My profile this week:

"All right, boys," I thought to myself. "Let's get this show on the road."

I began collecting matches, mentally reminding myself to never take on a project this gross again, and sent my first messages. (In the below screenshots, my messages appear in green.)

1. I eased into the night using my variation on the classic, "Hey, beautiful" greeting. There's nothing so wrong with being called beautiful, but when my typical biography includes things like my hobbies, passions, feminist ideology, Meyers-Briggs type, employment, and education, don't tell me there's not a more meaningful conversation starter.

(It's cool, Anonymous Dude. I get it. I wouldn't have responded to this message either.)

2. Next came the objectification of activities. As a spoken word poet, I have plenty of photos of me speaking, open-mouthed before a microphone. For many Tinder users, there's something inherently phallic about this (which, by the way, is just sad). When I encountered a match who looked like he pumped a lot of iron, I sent this message:

This guy thinks objectification is hilarious (because, duh) and doesn't take me seriously at all.

3. As the week wore on, I became more daring. I once received a message on Tinder that read, "You look like you give really good head." (There are so many solid alternatives to that greeting. Think, "You look like you believe in women's rights" or "You look like a coffee drinker" or "You look like the next president.")

This guy found objectification flattering. Because women being overtly sexual isn't threatening, it's a turn-on. (It should be noted that he was later willing to offer a list of references regarding said "skills.")

4. Straight out of "Finding Nemo," this guy just really wanted to touch my butt. (And smoke weed. Don't forget about the weed.)

Here, I objectified myself and this boy was totally fine with it. (Less work for him, am I right?)

5. This charmer messaged me first with a comment on my height. Not to worry, I still managed to sufficiently objectify him right back.

This guy was actually so excited that I had initiated a conversation about his penis that, unsolicited, he proceeded to give me its dimensions. And the following message:

(Shout-out to my girl Lauren Conrad for that brilliant comeback.)

6. Taking notes from the gentleman above, I commented on the following guy's physical size. (Since that seems to be in Tinder-vogue?)

This is how every objectifying conversation should be shut down. Of course I felt terrible for sending this message, but men have to understand that this is what women deal with on a daily basis. Can we all agree that reducing people to bodies is both uncool and unnecessary? Great, thanks.

7. And this guy just kills it.

.

10/10 would recommend treating people as human beings.

If you, dear reader, were uncomfortable scanning any of the above exchanges, it's probably because no one should be writing these things to each other. Dudes*, would you introduce yourself to the cute girl at the coffee shop's corner table by asking, "Who's your Daddy?" No? Then don't do it online. Writing from behind the safety of a screen is not an excuse to be a jerk.

*Replace "Dudes" with "Ladies"

*Replace "Dudes" with "Folks who don't adhere to the gender binary"

Thanks for reading, friends! Now, get back on Tinder! (You probably have new super-likes waiting for you...)