White people make me uncomfortable.

I know. That is a scandalous thing to say and it's pretty blunt. But it’s true. It’s no secret that NYC is pretty segregated. Born and raised in The Bronx, I grew up around black and Latino people – period. We don’t feel like minorities in our borough because we’re the only people here. However, as I am maneuvering the path to adulthood, I’ve branched out of my beloved borough and have had no choice but to interact with more people from different walks of life. The homogeneity within the Bronx may be what I’m used to, but I quickly learned that is not what life is about and I have enjoyed and valued meeting people from a little bit of everywhere.

Yet still, there is a pattern I have witnessed within myself that is extremely alarming. My first response when I am around white people is a feeling of discomfort. As always, when things make me feel unpleasant, I reflect and try to gauge why I feel the way I feel. What about me, what about them, what about my life and my surroundings has led me to feel the way I feel, and I have found out/realized some very interesting — yet unfortunate — realities.

1. White privilege contributes to black shame.

Whether you believe it or not, white privilege is real. White people and whiteness is the acceptable standard in this country, holistically. Even if you personally do not equate success, beauty, “rightness” with being white, our systems, our standards and our society were built for the advancement of white people. And no, just because Obama is president doesn’t mean white privilege doesn’t exist. With that being said, white privilege is used to make black people and people of color feel as though we need to be ashamed of ourselves and who we are. Our ebonics, our skin, our style is seen as remedial. Remedial...compared to what? Our culture is seen as less than because it’s so different from the white standard. This unfortunate reality is so rampant and often times when I am out of my comfort zone, rocking my hoops and Tupac t-shirt and I’m walking down Manhattan, I can’t help but to feel uncomfortable because many people would see me as lacking — merely because of my attire.

2. Older black people condition us to “be on our best behavior.”

I venture to say this conditioning stems from slavery. I feel as though — scratch that — I am certain our ancestors worked tirelessly to ensure their children were always on their best behavior when around white people because of their obvious power at the time. This dynamic is still with us today. Older black people, who were in my place, who were my age and know what I am going through, are always telling me to be on my best behavior when I am out and about. However, best behavior isn’t only categorized by the usual expectations. They’re not only telling me to keep my hands to myself and to treat others the way I want to be treated. They are forcing me to succumb and not be too “black”. Make sure my afro is not too afro-ish, make sure my dialect isn’t too “black,” make sure my actions aren’t too “'hood.”

My people have been conditioned to think being black, and being ourselves is something that should be reserved for the home. We should water down ourselves when in public so that we will be accepted. Even though I know this is unacceptable, that conditioning is hard to break and sometimes I do find myself feeling embarrassed when me and my friends are being too “black.” But I do snap out of it. Black children and all young people deserve to be free and to express themselves without being labeled and criticized.

3. We carry the burden of always having to represent everyone.

Every time I interact with a white person, I feel as though I am carrying the weight of my people on my shoulders. I have to monitor my behavior so I don’t make a poor impression. Most of the time these individuals are in positions of power and I do not want to reflect my people negatively because I don’t want to hinder there prospects. I know not all black people are the same but it feels as though I have to make sure every white person I know, knows that. Even now, there is this one-sided view of black people and as a black person, making my way through the professional world, I feel as though I have to single-handedly dismantle this notion for the sake of my people. One can understand why such an immense responsibility can lead to some discomfort.

4. White people have been blatantly prejudiced towards me.

As I’ve gotten older, I have looked back at my interactions with professionals, teachers, doctors and so forth and the rampant prejudice I have been subjected to is astounding. I didn’t know better at the time but now I can realize how messed up my interactions with some of these people have been. Teachers asking a 13-year-old whether my father was present and inquiring about my family’s financial situations based on their prejudgment that we were poor. Being called a savage — we thought it was funny but it really wasn’t. Doctors assuming that I was less intelligent, individuals being astounded that I can actually discuss politics, world affairs and the economy. Yeah, these incidents could just be isolated and not a part of a bigger picture...but I beg to differ. White people have been conditioned themselves to think of black people as dumb hoodlums and their prejudgments of all people of color are not ok. It leads to a tense dynamic, especially when I call them out on it and it is being denied. I know not all white people, but it sure happens a lot. Yes, I know, everyone has prejudgments, but in a society where white people remain at the top, their prejudices are much more detrimental. These individual micro-aggressions have macro impacts.

Ultimately, I have and am learning to get past these things. I cannot avoid white people. I do not want to avoid white people. I look forward to interacting with people of all races, classes and walks of life. However, our society is divided and people of color are forced to police themselves so that we don’t 1) offend white people, and 2) make ourselves look bad. This conditioning has occurred twofold. No one is at fault; it’s not that black and white. However, we all need to make a conscious step to reversing this conditioning. The fate of our society depends on it.