I went through a crisis of faith last year.
For the first time, I let myself doubt. Not by asking a question and then finding the answer- but by acknowledging for the first time that I don't, and can't, have all the answers. I realized that I had a culturally constructed idea of God, and I no longer trusted anything I heard.
Going through this crisis at a Christian College made an already lonely experience even lonelier. When I talked to friends about my problems, they would use the faith that I was doubting to try comforting me. I felt pushed aside. Prayers and verses that once brought me hope became empty to me-- like seeing an old friend and realizing you have no idea who they are now. My whole identity was in my religion, and so doubting my religion felt like doubting my identity.
After a while, I was exhausted- so I tried to believe again.
I asked questions
I prayed.
I read my bible.
Nothing really worked. I couldn't rekindle the passion that once fueled me. Praying was hard, because how do you talk to someone you don't know? I felt abandoned and alone in a place I once felt I belonged.
Then there was this night when I gathered some prayer requests from a box I had placed in the lobby earlier that week. Written anonymously on 11 slips of paper were the struggles of my hall mates. I read them and my heart broke.
So I prayed- and like magic, I felt revived.
With some fluctuation, the crisis eventually averted. I am a Christian. I pray and read my bible again. I feel loved by God again.
Another crisis of faith is a possibility- I've decided to let myself acknowledge that. This is faith-- I choose to believe.
I made that decision because of the magic I felt when my heart broke for my hall mates and for all the times like that. When I stopped thinking about my faith, and just thought about others, I found my faith.
Love changes me in ways so magical that I regard it a miracle. I felt a love for others that seemed out of my control, infinite, and made me feel alive. Then, I felt that love directed toward me. It felt right.
That's where I found the God I trust, in the midst of my love for others.
