Here lately I've went on a serious emotional rollercoaster. Between the ups and the downs I have somehow managed to question God and wasn't even able to trust in his plan for me.
College is hard. Relationships are hard. Life is hard.
I know why Peter Pan never wanted to grow up, because it's terrible to be honest. It's one of the hardest things to do. When you're a kid you can't wait to grow up, but Peter Pan had it right, don't do it.. it's a trap. And it's not fun or easy.
Because I'm the kind of person who carries the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. And I suffer from anxiety... and depression... a mental illness that just adds to the stress and problems that i already have from college among other things. Many say, "Okay, so stop being depressed". Not that simple. I didn't just wake up one day and say, "Ya know what Tayla, let's just be depressed today and keep it going for like 4 months. And just push everyone away from you and cry yourself to sleep at night". Because in all honesty... who wants to do that? Nobody, exactly. I didn't choose it.
Because of this I've questioned God a lot. Why me? Why did he have to give me this awful mental illness that causes me to distance myself from everything and everybody? Why did this just happen to me out of the blue one day? Why am I not smart enough? Why is college so hard for me? Why do I stress so much? Why can't I just be happy like everybody else? Why can I just be normal?
I've lost a couple of things here recently. I've lost a relationship, I've lost my sanity, and I've lost my will to try. And I have been finding myself thinking, "Why does he allow life to be so hard sometimes?" or "why does he give people the ability to even have a mental disorder"? The one that has been running through my mind the last week and won't stop is, "why am I such a hard person to love and why did he make me so unemotional"? <----- for those of you who don't know the last one is the anxiety talking.
Still yet I wonder to myself, "Why do I question the life God has for me, and better yet... why do I fight it sometimes"? I always ask for him to show me the way, I always ask for reassurance that he's still there and protecting me. I see the signs, I see the things he asks of me, I just don't always take them or acknowledge them.
I've lost so much lately. So it's kind of hard for me to allow myself to be positive, and have faith that God has this. I know he does... but it's just hard to trust in it. As I type it I feel like such a failure. To even question him and his power. To ask so many questions, to question his love, his ability to always be sovereign.
But last night as I was reading my bible I found a verse in Psalms that read "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made". And in that moment a lightbulb went off for me, God created me perfectly in his eyes. And even in the worst times when I don't feel good enough, I know that I will always be good enough for him, for he made me just how he wanted me. Every fear I've ever known, every broken heart, every horrible and negative thoughts I've had; he knows it and he accepts it. Right down to my mental illness.
The verse continues with "you watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." I mean how cool is it to know that God thought the world needed one of you. Not to mention that he knew you before you were ever even born. He knows every day, every sin, every thought because it's recorded by him. So even on the hardest of days, God already knows that I am going to question him, he already knows that I'm not fully trusting in him and his plan, but yet he continues to bless me every single day. He continues to prove to me that his plan is perfect, even when I don't trust it. Even when I feel like the whole world is falling down around me and it's the worst plan ever.... it's not.
..."How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" God's love is endless. And he continues to be there for me every morning when I wake up. God continues to give me signs that he's here, that he loves me, that he's trying to help me... even when I ignore the signs sometimes. He never gives up, and that made me realize I haven't been giving my full heart to him. That's going to get me nowhere. But even though I still question and sometimes have trouble trusting... I know he has my best interest at heart. Because he loves me, so why wouldn't he?
But if there is somebody who is reading my article, someone who has found themselves having a hard time trusting in his plan, don't. I know that's the worst thing to say to someone worrying. I know it's a lot easier said than done. But you know, if one thing I've realized in the past few days... it's that God is in full control. I heard the phrase once, "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans". What you're going through right now is only temporary, the pain, the hurt, the stress, whatever you're going through... it's only temporary.
Because God is doing wonderful things for you even if you can't see it yet. And if you don't trust it and believe in it right now, that's okay. Because one day you will. One day, everything will fall into place and everything will be as it was supposed to be. His perfect plan. And you'll wonder why you ever doubted him to begin with, and you'll thank him for still believing in you even when you doubted him.
So when you start to doubt his plan for you, and it's hard for you to trust it.... just remember that in the end it will all work out, and you'll look back and realize what you thought you wanted, wasn't what you needed. And he knew that from the start, even when you doubted it.