Ever since I was a little girl, I was always "thicker" than everyone else. I was always the one with the athletic body. I was the taller girl who always kept up with the boys in my grade. All of my friends were thinner than me.
And all of my friends always pointed out that I was "bigger." I was compared to them, but I was not overweight for my age and height. I have never been "fat" or "obsese," but, in my eyes, I look that way in the mirror.
In cheerleading and dance, I was always the one lifting the girls due to my muscles, and quite frankly, just being too big. My coaches never said I wasn't flying because of my body type, yet I knew. Everyone knew. The bigger girls aren't the ones who get lifted up in the air.
At such a young age, I shouldn't have been so self-conscious.
All my friends wore skin-tight Sugarlips tank tops to school, while I wore my Justice t-shirt. And at that point in my life, there was no thought in my mind that made me want to wear skin-tight clothes. I was just a child, and I enjoyed being a child.
This feeling of not wanting to wear skin-tight clothes continues to this day.
At my high school, we did not have a dress code. You could wear whatever you wanted and get away with it. Everyone wore crop tops and high-waisted shorts. They wore shirts that showed a little too much cleavage.
In opposition, I wore my leggings and dance t-shirt that I lived in 24/7.
Even in college, I try not to wear tight clothes, as I am still not as comfortable with my body as I would like to be. I've never been the one to wear the tightest tops and pants.
And I've been OK with it.
Although I might post pictures in clothes that are revealing, I am so self-conscious and contemplate posting them for days.
I go back and forth with myself: "Do I look attractive?" and "Do they think I'm pretty?" and "There's no way I can pull this off."
In this present day, I am not comfortable in my own skin.
I wake up every morning and look in the mirror, only to be disappointed in myself.
I turn and twist, looking at all my imperfections. I wake up wishing I was smaller, thinner and prettier. I start my day off wishing I was someone different — or better yet, that I looked like someone different.
I am not satisfied with myself. And it's sad to say that. My parents always say how beautiful I am, yet I never believe them.
Everyone has their flaws, and this is mine.
At every family gathering, everyone says, "Wow Sidney, you look great! What have you been doing?"
I appreciate it, yet it's so hard to believe them.
How can others see me in that way? Do they really think that, or are they just saying it?
The truth is, I have been doing nothing. I hardly ever workout — I mean, I chase around my two-year-old nephew around almost every day, but that's about it. I eat whatever I want, which usually consists of pasta and more carbs.
I know I should love myself unconditionally.
But with the workout plan and eating habits that I have, it is my fault that I think of myself in a way that isn't close to perfect.
My flaws are a work in progress, just like everyone else's. And I know that this should not be one of them. I always tell my friends to love themselves no matter what, but I cannot follow this piece of advice for myself.
I'm always the one telling everyone that they're so beautiful, so why can't I tell myself that?
I hope that, in the very near future, I will get to the point where I look in the mirror and love myself.
Whether it takes a few months or a few years, I will get there.