Summer starts way before the solstice in June. The twinkle of fireflies and warm air blowing is the first sign that summer is here. April showers blossom into the month of May that gives way to boundless hours in the sun when school ends. The empty days are now open to any kind of adventure with the people closest to you, not to mention all the boxes of Popsicle's waiting in your freezer. Summer is the season for youth. These fleeting months are the ideal perfection. But no one ever talks about the other side of the sun-- what it's like to not be able to enjoy summer.
Children can’t sit still long enough for summer to arrive. Kids around me look forward to curfew extensions, family trips to the zoo, and no more homework. Despite all of the fun, the lack of steady routine was daunting and filled kid-me with gut-wrenching fear the moment after finals were done. When the other kids counted down the days until summer like the cast of High School Musical, I counted down each day until the next school year. Besides Saturday morning cartoons, I was plagued by what I would do until school started back. I filled my time by laying on my floor, surfing the web without parental permission, and long phone calls with my best friend. With the weak perception of time, the days flowed together like a long, wary gloom that instilled itself in the humidity of the south. It would only get worse as I got older.
The summers of high school were better as soon as I got a car, and where my plans were not made by my parents, but myself. My friends and I had money but not full time jobs. We were glued together, and the days floated by with a sincere peace. But not a peace that could last. Fast-forwarding to the spring of senior year, I woke up every morning with a new sense of nostalgia and unexplained nausea. The summer before would be a record for the amount dopamine sifting throughout my body. However, this current summer would be nothing short of endless panic attacks and unexplainable intrusive thoughts of suicide. What was happening? Why wasn’t I happy? It's certainly the best time of the year.
All these feelings added up to a less common offset of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). While most people feel more depressed in the winter, when the air is colder and the hours are shorter, an even smaller number of people, 2-4 percent, like me are haunted by trying to beat the heat of summer. OCD and general anxiety only fueled the fire when schedules are disrupted and there’s an expectation on how to spend your perpetual free days. All of your friends are going on vacation and you’re in your air-conditioned room in the dark. You toss yourself back and forth on trying to do something you feel like will be worthwhile, despite your lack of time, money, and people to share it with.
You can't escape it-- radios, commercials, every kind of ad tells you this summer will be the the best of your life. That you're going to go wild, or you will just be left in the dark. However, all you want is desperate escape from the pool, the party, and the summertime altogether. You crave the crisp fall mornings with a schedule of work planned ahead. Places to go, people to see, and things to be accomplished. The boredom that sets in not even days after school ends creates an eternity of dread, even though your perception of time is much better than when you were a child. Suddenly your depression causes you to forget what day it is and you wade in Tuesday for days until it’s somehow Sunday. There goes your week, what did you do? Your bedroom is still dark, so you finally decide to draw the curtains.
To combat this now, I have to start summer days off with medication. My eccentric neurons move one-hundred times faster than my mouth, and I have to remember to calm down the moment I wake up before I end up in a day-long anxiety attack. Daily lists of what to do that day are scattered around my room, whether as minimal as cleaning around the house or looking forward to the big plans with friends that keep a smile on my face for days. The rest is holding onto the hope that time will resume once more.
There is an end to all of this, thankfully. The day after summer solstice means the days start getting shorter and Walmart is stocking school supplies. Before you know it, the leaves on the trees will be gone and you're no longer comfortable in just a tank top and shorts. The next phase of the year, warm-crested autumn, is starting to begin. Those of us with summer SAD are going to have to take extra measures to make sure we enjoy the rest of this summer. There’s not a lot of people who can't enjoy the summer like me, but just know you're not alone.
