Tonight at dinner, my daughter had another story about “Devin,” the kid on her bus that picks on her and her friend, Caroline, endlessly. I’ve already heard stories about him walking too closely, poking her in the arm, following her and saying her name repeatedly, walking behind her and taking things out of her bookbag to entertain people around him, claiming that girls in their art class were at his house “all night last night.” Lately, the stories have had the general tone of, “Devin won’t stop touching me, even when I tell him to stop.” I’ve talked to my daughter about being loud when he does this, that our schools have a no-touching policy, that she needs to get a teacher’s attention when he does this. Today, apparently this form of harassment happened on the stairwell between classes. My daughter told Devin, loudly, to stop touching her. When he did it again, she shoved him into the railing. I praised her for taking action and making it abundantly clear to him that his attention is not welcome. Then I encouraged her to report his behavior to the guidance or administrative office. This is where she started to back off. “No, it’s okay mom… I dealt with it. I think he knows to leave me alone… I don’t want people thinking I’m a snitch or I’m not cool… I just don’t know why he picks on Caroline, too- she’s never done anything to anyone.” See, the problem is, my daughters and their friends are nice girls. They are well-behaved. They are sweet, and kind, and pleasing. I know because I was the same way.
What took me years of heartache and therapy to learn is that being a pleasing young woman can make you a target. When I was fifteen a grown, 55-year-old man in my church took advantage of me because I had such an irresistibly pretty smile. At sixteen, my boyfriend decided he’d waited long enough for sex and that he was well within his rights to force himself on me. It was his birthday. Why didn’t I punch these bastards in the jaw? Why didn’t I kick them in the crotch and scream bloody murder and completely ruin their reputations for even attempting to do what they did? Because nice girls are not noisy girls. Nice girls don’t protest. And not-nice assholes know this. They have been trained- groomed, even- to recognize someone who will not rat them out, someone who will not protest, someone who will keep taking their shit even when they know they’ve crossed a line. These little boys grow up to be people like Brock Turner. Privileged, self-righteous, selfish rapists that believe they can have anything they want without consequence.
After Turner’s recent release, his victim’s statement in which she addressed him in court directly has resurfaced. It is lengthy, but guess what? So is her suffering. This woman was victimized in every sense of the word and continues to seek justice because none has been given, particularly to her assailant. He clearly remains confused about his wrongdoing, despite the fact that she is very clear- repeatedly. While he may not remain behind bars, it is hard to believe he will ever stop feeling imprisoned by the guilt of his actions, if he is honest with himself. I hope for her sake that he never sleeps at night. In her statement, the woman points out, “Sometimes I think, if I hadn’t gone, then this never would’ve happened. But then I realized, it would have happened, just to somebody else.” She is heroic in every sense of the word. She is confronting the one who violated her, she recognizes that because she endured this hell, someone else was spared, and she honors the Swedish bicyclists that bothered to stop, literally saving her life.
When we allow our daughters to quietly endure the seemingly harmless antics of a seventh-grader, we are allowing these young men to form habits that will eventually hurt women. If someone does not step in to show boys like Devin how incredibly disrespectful he is being now, there is every reason to believe he will grow into the same kind of arrogant disrespectful man-child as Turner. We need to teach our daughters to be less nice and more noisy in their demand for justice. We need to teach our sons what true respect is. We have the opportunity for a short while to shape these attitudes and behaviors in children and adolescents before they are out on their own, making their own decisions, and being put in positions in which they must choose to be nice or fight back. To Turner’s victim, you are the true hero of this story. Thank you for fighting back. Thank you for using your voice. We all know it is not easy or comfortable to do, but my prayer is that your heroic healing becomes a dark, uncomfortable sense of guilt for Brock Turner.
