We all know that exercise is a good thing for us, and if possible we should try to do it everyday! Right? Exercise is largely used as a social tool, a stress reliever, a time to have to yourself, and time that is put aside to reflect on your day.
These are all great reasons to exercise. But just like anything, too much (in this case exercise) can be a bad thing.
This may seem like a backwards concept... too much exercise? Heck, getting the motivation to workout in the first place can be a battle in itself!
However, this is a problem because when someone is exercising too much without fueling themselves properly and taking care of themselves they run into problems. It's like running a car that's too low on oil and forcing it to chug along... it causes more harm than good.
When I was still a child I became aware of how differently I was shaped compared to my friends and classmates. At this age (about thirteen) I began doing exercises for the point of losing weight and changing my body. Not because I thought it was fun or to socialize, but because I thought I needed to change how I looked in order to accepted by myself and others.
This continued until it eventually became an obsession. At this point, I was about fifteen or sixteen years old and at this point I was aware of my unnatural habits. But because of their obsessive nature, they were hard to ignore, and if I didn't indulge I'd feel extremely anxious... and this anxiety would consume my whole being.
This obsession continued until I was eventually forced into an inpatient treatment program where I was there largely to tackle my eating disorder (but my days were also on a very tight schedule so I wouldn't have the opportunity to exercise in private.) Learning to cope with the ongoing anxious thoughts which plagued me was insanely difficult.
While in treatment I would attempt to secretly exercise whenever I could... and I'd get a rush whenever I got away with it. Even shower times were supervised by a nurse to ensure no one was engaging in symptom usage. However, since there were shower curtains for privacy I still able to work in time to hold wall squats till my legs shook as an attempt to get rid of the anxiety.
Also while I was in treatment my heart was deemed too weak to withhold physical exercise. So while in treatment any exercise was seen as dangerous to my health. However, this didn't stop me. When my name was called with the rest of the adolescents to go to a thirty minute stretch class I didn't question it. (Although I knew I wasn't allowed to go, I lied and didn't point out the mistake.) I was later approached by my case manager about the instance and told another white lie to cover up my addiction.
Thankfully, with where my health is now I don't have to feel like I'm sneaking around when I want to exercise... although the fear of being ridiculed by my close family members still lingers.
Today my relationship with exercise is completely changed. To this day I rarely feel the need to exercise for the old and unhealthy reasons I experienced years ago. If I do ever run into those old feelings again (which does happen) it's helpful for me to think to myself "Am I working out for me? Or am I working out for unhealthy reasons?"
Today I have a healthy relationship with exercise. One that isn't weighed down by obsessions, but instead by feelings of power and strength. I can even not work out for long periods of time and not beat myself up for it and dread on it for days!!
I'm aware that exercise is something that's usually viewed as burdensome, but for those who have experienced what I have know it to be something that can become an unhealthy obsession. And just like an unhealthy habit it can be overcome with reflection and hard work... some real hard work.
