Have you ever found yourself in another state after saying "Yes," to a friend? I have. I've given away my hat, my cash, my textbooks and my headphones, trying to help a friend in need. It is a wonderful feeling to help someone out, but I have learned the importance of sometimes saying "No". If we are being honest, many of us struggle to say "No" (especially if you are one of the only students on campus with a car). Sometimes doing favors for friends is fulfilling and worthwhile. But other times it is better to say "No". If a friend asks for something, it can feel like there is no choice. If you don’t do it, the friend will be sad or even angry with you. Or if the friend is magnanimous and feels at peace with the fact that you will not help, you may still feel self-guilt that you were unable to help her. You might keep thinking, "If it were me in trouble, I hope she would come to my aid!"

So what is the favor, anyway? How big is it, how difficult is it for your friend to accomplish and how much of an imposition is it on you?

As someone who has fallen into interesting dilemmas this way for years, here is how I believe you should assess the situation:

Firstly, is it something she could do herself, like collecting a book from the library? If she could accomplish the task on her own, encourage her to do so. In this case, it may mean talking to her to find out why she has hesitations about checking out a book from the library. Maybe she doesn’t know how to search the shelves or maybe she feels intimidated by the cute librarian at the desk. Help your friend feel capable and then let her do the task on her own.

Secondly, ask yourself how much of an imposition it is to you. Are you busy? Is it a big favor, like driving two hours to the next city to get your friend from the airport? Sometimes, your friend really does need help but you are just not the right person to help out. If this is the case suggest another friend who lives closer, or suggest a bus or taxi.

Lastly, you must ask yourself how good of a friend she is to you. Have you hung out in the last two months? Has she ever done you a favor? I know this part sounds cold, but it is necessary. I have known people who asked for one favor after the next and those were the only times we ever saw each other.

I often remind myself that it can be thrilling and fun to help someone out and see a smile, but it is not advisable if you are neglecting your own priorities. It is also not a good idea to keep your friend from learning by accomplishing tasks for her. You must not fail to see that you are being taken advantage of by her, if that is the case.

That said, many friends ask for favors and really do want you to be honest and say "No". They see it as you trapping yourself if you allow yourself to say "Yes," and do the favor when inside you would prefer not to do it. If you have a problem where you say yes too much, partly, it is your own fault for choosing to do things you don’t want to do and it is something you must work on to be more honest in the future.

If you have the opposite problem where you always say no, think about the three questions again: Can she do it herself? If yes, don’t help her. Is it an imposition on you?Here you may want to put more value on the goals of your friends than you have been putting on your own goals. If you always say "No," to your friends they will remember that and choose not to help you if you ever need a favor. Lastly, if you find that you have not hung out with this friend very often and yet she is asking for a favor, the first few times, it may be a good idea to help. This may be an opportunity to strengthen the friendship.

As a whole community, it is nice to say "Yes" and help each other. But on an individual basis, try saying "No" sometimes… friendship should be a give and take; not a one way street.

How do you say no? That's a topic for another day...