It is really hard to find yourself in sadness.
When I began writing this, I wasn't sure what I was actually going to write about. I could go on about how sad I am or how angry I get when I don't get my way. I think something has to be said on behalf of whoever feels the same way I do, so here's to us.
The Definition of SAD
Do you ever feel like you can't stand your own life? Sometimes I do. This sounds worse than it actually is. What I mean is that I really love where I am right now. I have a great family, amazing friends, a loving boyfriend, and my school life hasn't been better. I define sad as being in the moment of something great and all of sudden having this foreign feeling of doubt that turns into sadness, but you have no idea where it came from or what it will lead to.
Sadness Grows
Two years before I began college and I was okay when I graduated. Slowly but surely, I felt sadness grow in my heart and my head. I ignored a gnawing feeling in my stomach that something was wrong when I was at my graduation party and all I wanted to do was hide in my room and begin my life again. I wanted a do-over, and the worst part hadn't even begun yet. I ignored my sadness when I left for college and it ate me alive. When I say that, I didn't know it was going on. I pushed it so far in my mind that it was just a nightmare that I hit pause on. After a few months, I woke up to see my nightmare was real and that I was living it. My sadness hit me like a bullet from a gun and my recovery was a nasty one.
Anger Shows It's Ugly Head
I wasn't in school for a while. That wasn't exactly my choice, but it would have been if I could have chosen it. So for a while, I was awakened with fear of my own life. Who was I if I didn't have what everyone else did? I was nothing to myself. I basically was so ignorant of what was going on with myself that I didn't even know what was happening. That made me angry, my own ignorance. How could I have been so stupid? To have been that blind that even my own friends and family couldn't pull me from my stupor. I like to say it was like I was possessed those months. Something else invaded my body and I was just somewhere in la la land. How did I put myself in a situation where everyone who knew me was going to judge the hell out of me? I got mad that that was my reality.
Mad Thoughts Turn Into Mad Actions
Guess what? Oh, you thought I was magically better after a few months of therapeutic talks and relaxation? Nope! I blamed myself for my actions. It wasn't always that way. I used to try to find ways to blame other people for my actions. That maybe my friends or family couldn't have helped me more or tried to shake me awake. I don't blame anyone now. They tried to help me, but I was too far gone. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? Well, it should. I lashed out at anyone who tried to help me. That was the beginning of a long mental recovery. If you can imagine a jail cell where there is a small window into the outside world, that is what my mind felt like. I saw as time went on, my friends were having fun in college. They had new friends who I thought were way better than I'd ever be and doing well in their classes. I didn't visit for a while. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing my best friends from high school becoming the people I wanted so desperately to be.
A New Life Awaits
As my anger subsided and my sadness didn't leave me feeling so vacant anymore, I started to get more clarity. I saw people drop out of college, have kids and join new things, and it really made me see I wasn't the only one. I wasn't the only one having trouble finding themselves in this strange new world. It is a new world, isn't it? You go from being so happy and carefree to stressing and feeling sad (even angry, I might say). All of this spanned about a year before I felt completely okay. So many things can happen in a year. People's lives change so drastically. I was angry, but from the help of my boyfriend, friends and family, I wasn't so mad anymore. I realized the whole time I wasn't angry at the world for what it did to me, but I was angry at what I did to myself. I wasn't sad at my losses, I was sad at what I lost in myself. Before you think that this is over, it isn't. I still suffer inside sometimes. Anything can spark it. Simply a bad day can trigger emotions that I don't want to feel, but the difference between me now and then is that I know what is ahead and I know how to forget the past. You know who you are who taught me this.
To all: go on, never wait to go back.
