I can’t tell you that I never thought about ending my life. I can’t tell you that I don’t understand why people commit suicide. To me it is usually easy to figure out since I can relate. Life is hard, something I learned from a young age. However, when my own brother decided to take his life, it actually came as a surprise to me.
Suicide was always an idea in my mind but never something I could actually do. I thought of my family every time the thought would cross my mind. I could see my mother crying uncontrollably and my brothers. How they would crumble to the floor, searching for answers they just could never find. The pain I felt inside and the way I felt could never trump the way it would hurt the ones I loved the most. It was just something I could see so clearly. To kill myself, I would kill them too.
The thing is, I know exactly why people want to end their lives. Sometimes there is this gray cloud covering you. It never seems to leave. The fact that when you’re finally happy, you can’t be happy because you know it will end. When it does end, the sadness comes crashing down like a strong wave stripping the shore of sand. You do your stupid breathing techniques, you take your medications, and still, sadness plagues you.
The constant thought is, "Why am I living like this?" "Why can’t I be happy?" "Is there something I am doing wrong?" "What is wrong with me?" "Why is it so hard to breathe?" I know. These thoughts come every day. All you want to do is make them go away. So that ever popular thought comes to mind. What if…? That "what if" is all too real sometimes.
There are days when you feel like no one understands. When no one loves you, like somehow this darkness inside you makes you unlovable. How can someone love me when half the time I can’t love myself? How can someone else stay by me when I can’t make myself stay? Oh God, I know.
Your mind can be your own worst enemy; sabotaging you to make you think you are not good enough. Making you feel like it would be OK to take yourself right now if you wanted to because honestly, who would notice? A lot of the times we do not notice until it is too late; until another beautiful life is gone. Another family half dead, hardly breathing because of the notion that mental illness is not a real thing.
The articles all say there are signs, but where? Most people cannot tell because we hide it so well. In middle school, kids would tell me that I was so happy; I was always smiling, I always talked to my friends and would laugh. The truth is that I was not happy. There were moments I was happy, very short moments before my mind took over. People assume someone is happy because of their funny jokes, their constant smiles, and laughter. But no, I was not happy. So how can someone say there are always signs? No one would know the truth about how I feel if I didn’t tell them.
My brother killed himself and we all assumed he was happy until we realized too late he wasn’t. So just to look at someone, it is easy to assume they're happy. Like the fact that it is easy to assume that mental illness is just an excuse for people to get attention. Why though? Why would we want to let people know that we are so broken that sometimes we cry ourselves to sleep? Why would we want people to know that we are not always the best version of ourselves? Only someone so naïve would believe that all those with mental illness want is attention. No, what we want is peace. We do not need your pity and we do not need your thoughts on how to feel better.
What people with mental illness need is understanding, someone that can accept the truth of this illness and not someone who just assumes. We have all assumed for too long and suicide is not the only answer. I know you how you feel. There are so many people that know how you feel. Share your story and your strength. Maybe we are broken but we are still beautiful. It is time we stop this epidemic along with this killer stigma.
