Losing a child, one of the most tragic things in the world that a woman could experience. No one can explain the amount of guilt and pain you will feel simultaneously while also having so many unanswered questions. But there are so many things behind the scenes that no one talks about, So many things that never get brought to the light. Many people think it's all tears and pain, then it's over. I'm here to tell you, that couldn't be farther from the truth. Far too often women who suffered pregnancy loss are to 'get over it' or to 'not dread on the past'. Comments like these are part of the reason many women choose to not speak about pregnancy loss. They'd much rather sit with the depression by themselves, choosing silence. Choices like this are immensely unhealthy and just all around harmful to your mental and emotional health. Not only are these women surrounded by constant ignorant and insensitive questions like 'did it hurt?' or 'did you see it?', They are also forced to swallow their pride in the face of someone lying about suffering from pregnancy loss in search for the attention of others. As well as giving a bad stereotype for people who actually suffered the loss of their child, This is not a phase; do not treat it as one.
This is for every woman who has ever felt inadequate, stereotyped, belittled, forgotten, depressed and/or all the above. This is what they don't tell you about infant loss....
(Yes, I am upset. No, I don't need you to relate.)
When I suffered the loss of my child, too many people wanted to know how I was since word gets around fairly quick. Now, that wouldn't have been a problem if these select few weren't trying to relate so desperately when all i needed was the simplest form of compassion. For example, "I have a friend whose sister suffered from pregnancy loss, So I totally know what you mean". Truthfully, no you do not and it would be much appreciated if you'd have your ignorance for when you're in private. By no means do I or any other women need anyone to 'relate to us', It is rude and just highly unnecessary.
Thank you for your concern but in the most polite way I can put it, go kick rocks!
(Doctors aren't very compassionate.)
Doctors probably have to break this unfortunate news almost daily, but that doesn't mean they should be so disconnected. Show a little compassion when being sure to give me the news that'll send my world crashing down around me. And don't get me started on the awkward vibes they leave behind when giving you 'time alone'. Could they be anymore blank faced about it when the tears start pouring down? Or is that just a policy of some sort? Whatever it is, lose it. It makes us feel uncomfortable more than we already do and like we're just another woman without a face to you. Just stop.
(Infant loss is not a fashion accessory, Don't use it like it is.)
The reason I use the world "accessory", Is because when you're done using it you can just take it off and be done with it. Just like that. Women who truly suffered through this difficult time, Cannot at all just take it off like a bracelet or unzip it and take it off like a jacket. Nope, the nightmare stays forever... we just learn to cope. When you put on a mask and play that part of that character, you ignore those you are hurting by doing this. You are contributing to the stereotype of 'wanting attention' and being 'emotionally unstable', Which is completely untrue. This is not a game, a joke or a trend... Knock it off, you look like an immature little girl. Educate yourself and tell less stories, Trust me you never want to experience this.
(Do not ever tell me how I should feel.)
Do not tell me not to dwell on the past. Stop saying that It's time I 'move on'.
I don't know who you think you are but you sure aren't a Doctor nor a Psychiatrist, You are far from knowing what is best for me. I will grieve when I feel I need to, I was a Mother and then that was taken right from underneath me without a thing I can do. So for those who think these women should just 'get over it', maybe you should just get lost!
Negative people are unneeded and also unwanted, I do not need to lighten up or hold it together... I will feel as I please and handle It as I see fit, Thank you very much.
If you suffered from pregnancy loss, Feel exactly how you need to. You are not wrong by your feelings nor are you a 'attention seeker'. Stay strong and fight through it with how you feel you should, no one can or should tell you how to do that.
It is definitely a hard journey, but you can and will get through it exactly at your own pace.
You are not a 'victim of pregnancy loss', You are victorious in a time of loss and confusion. You are NOT at fault, You are NOT wrong for feeling anything you feel, You are NOT acting annoying by seeking help or someone to confide to and You are most definitely NOT any less of a Mother than you were before. That's not something you can just take away.
You are beautiful, you are strong, you are going to get through this...Just hang on a bit longer.
-Sincerely,
Kaylene Raber.
