What is rape? What is sexual assault? Where is the line between consent and denial drawn? Yes. Alright. Okay. Maybe. No. Stop. Don't.
The endless spiral of assault on the bodies and spirits of women needs to be spoken out against. We can no longer allow ourselves to be silent on this.
From childhood, as women, we are constantly taken advantage of until we learn to accept it. We deem it as "okay," and "normal," because it's happened before and it'll happen again. From an inappropriate flashing to a 1st grader by a 12 year old boy to a hand being shoved up your dress at a club to hungover, drowse-induced rape. This is my story. And yours.
A friend of mine has recently given me permission to share hers.
"It was not until recently that I realized how many times I'd been sexually assaulted, or even raped. I was scrolling through Facebook reading the different blogs on how this new, open dialogue has allowed women to speak out against the injustices they experienced having men abuse their power to get what they want."
She begins her story in middle school when a boy inappropriately poked her. Eventually they became friends and during her Freshman year of high school she recalls an incident when he had convinced her to lie in the back of the school bus with her to watch a movie on his phone. He attempted to kiss her repeatedly, the only thing she could do was put the phone to her mouth to stop him.
Throughout high school and into her first year of college she remained a virgin but was harassed several times by older classmates she thought she could trust. A friend had given her number to a guy, and suddenly the exchange turns sexual. She’d never even kissed anyone, yet he expected her to give him a blowjob. After a breakup with her first boyfriend in college, two men stuck their tongues down her throat and groped her at a bar.
Like many of us in those situations, she was frozen in time. We never know what to do or say, because we don’t expect someone to violate us so blatantly. When it does happen, if we don’t want it to – we’re silent. Because we asked for it. The way we dressed. What we drank. And how we acted.
She then opened up to me about her first real incident of physical assault as it happened Senior year of college. When she was out with a classmate at a bar. His roommate was all over her like melted butter on rye. When she went back to their room to hang out and sober up, with a group she thought she could trust, the roommate relentlessly hounded her. She made her intentions clear, she did not want to hook up. Instead, she received an endless round of poking and prodding with various body parts.
The real world is no better. Because by this age men have now learned a systematic lifestyle of harassment to pressure us into unwanted sexual activity. If we do, we’re sluts through a double standard that works against us. If we don’t - we’re prudes. So we might as well, because isn’t that what every girl is doing?
Her first job out of college, her boss whispered sweet nothings in her ear while on an outing with the rest of the co-workers. He tried to take advantage of the time, and the place, assuming the alcohol would dull her senses enough to get into her pants. He was 42. She was 21. Her most recent job her boss followed suit – only things went further. In another outings that should've been a low-stress and friendly situation with her fellow friends, he abused his power as her boss, and a man, to have sex with her. They hooked up a few times after, the sex only satisfying him, leaving her without a way to say no. She had already said yes once, what else could she do?
“I was in an awkward position. He had power. He could do whatever he wanted, really. But I could have been stronger. I could have said no. This was my reality.”
I sincerely hope she does not blame herself. Because I am proud of her, she is one of my best friends. I am sad for her because of her past traumas. They are close to my experiences, and to the experiences I have heard countless times from women of all ages, races, and class statuses.
It is not uncommon for women to be raped, assaulted, or put into uncomfortable situations. It comes from a silence. A fear of being blamed. Because we should be in control despite the fear of chastisement, we should supposedly know our limits and know when to leave. But shouldn’t men know their limits? Shouldn’t they know when to leave? Shouldn’t men be raised from childhood to respect women? To know when someone is uncomfortable, or in a state of powerlessness, not to take advantage of that? Rape culture starts with a manufacture of consent from society. And it can end with all of us saying we’re not okay. And telling our sons, brothers, even fathers, that we will not accept anything less than respect for our bodies, our minds, and our souls.
