How I Feel When I Like A Boy

So I kind of like a boy, and it terrifies me.

It terrifies me because I don't want to be hurt. My emotions are sacred to me. They are something I guard. I can't control them often; but I can control who has access to them.

I would rather push people away then give someone that may choose to be careless with my emotions the opportunity to hurt me. Play with me. Harm me.

It is terrifying to me to think that I could potentially end up in such agonizing pain that I can't make it better if him and I don't go the way I hope. The person that would be able to make it better will be the person that inflicted that pain. It'll be the person that decides that they want nothing to do with me anymore.

Maybe it's fear of abandonment. Maybe it's fear of feeling worthless, unwanted. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown. Or maybe it's just that I want to carefully choose who I could feel deeply for.

All I know is that I feel like I'm falling. I feel like I can't control the rush I feel around him. The happiness, the bliss, the hope.