I came to college expecting many things, an education, new experiences and friends I would never forget. I never thought my experience would ever include rape.
If I’m certain of one thing it's that I know I will never be completely comfortable with sharing this story, but if I can help one person who reads this then that’s all that really matters. Rape will always be a sensitive subject but as sensitive as it is we need to talk about it because the truth is it can happen to anyone. In some cases they might not even realize that what just happened was rape, or in many cases some might not want to admit to being raped. For a while I tried to ignore it, and pretend as if I were OK, as if it never happened, but once the bruising on my arms and legs turned a deep purple, and my neck swelled to the point where swallowing was a challenge, reality set in. But being embarrassed and hiding did more harm then I was realizing. That night he took a part of me I can never get back, and left me feeling empty. Little did I know rape would change my life in more ways than one. One thing that I do know is rape will never be something you just “get over”, the truth is it will be something that will affect you the rest of your life but it will never be our fault.
To this day, the moments play over and over in my head. Going through an event as traumatizing as rape, changes the way you view the outside world and yourself. I quickly began to distrust all men and avoided getting close to anyone who could hurt me. I felt tainted and dirty.
For a while a good night’s sleep had become history and sleepless nights became the norm. I spent countless nights questioning what I ever did to make him think his actions were okay, and how did I let this happen? I’ve tried many times to justify his actions but there isn’t any justification and never will be for actions like this. There is nothing in this world that will ever make me forget the gut-wrenching feeling of having his hands gripped tightly around my neck and hearing his threats slurred in my ear. No words will ever be able to describe what it was like to fight until my body went numb, then having to just lay there until it was over…..twice. I will never forget nor understand how you used my tears and pain for your “pleasure” but if I do know one thing, anyone like you is sick beyond repair.
That night, I learned what it's like to be alone and be completely helpless. I learned that I am now apart of that 1 in 5 women statistic who will experience sexual assault on a college campus. I learned that rape does happen. However my experience also taught me something else, I learned that even when I can’t take care of myself there will always be someone there for me, I learned that’s okay to be afraid, because someone will always be there to protect me, and that it's okay to be vulnerable because there will always be someone there to help me be strong. That night will always affect how I respond to things going forward, however; I know I won’t have to face any of it alone. My sisters, friends and family held my hand through this and continue to do so, for that I am forever grateful. Words can’t explain the feeling you get when you wake up one morning to two of your sisters sleeping on your rug just to make sure you were okay throughout the night. Or when they drop everything in the blink of an eye just to listen to you vent, they have been my shoulder to cry on every single time, and the constant reminder that I am protected and loved.
I have decided to share my story because I will not be ashamed of being a survivor. What happened to me was horrid but it does not embody me nor encompass who I am. I am a survivor of sexual assault; but not a victim. I am not just a statistic; I am a daughter, a sister, a student, a musician, a friend, a sorority woman, a writer, an artist and so much more. I can still hold my head up high. I can still love my life. I can still be happy. Everything passes with time, some days are better than others, but everyday I am still me – nothing less.
ps. I only hope karma hits your ass on the way out because I’m living with these mental scars.
To all the men and women who have experienced sexual assault:
I hope my story can give you strength and hope to help get you through. Know that even when you may feel like it, you are not alone. Being assaulted can scar you, but it can also make you stronger. It’s OK to be afraid, but don’t let these feelings hold you back. You were meant for greatness and no person should take that from you. One day, you are going to find someone who loves even the darkest parts of you and that will accept you for who you are. Here's the catch — that person is going to be you.
To my sisters, friends and family:
You give me something to live for everyday, I go to bed every night feeling beyond grateful to have you by my side. You all have been my backbone through this, and I can never repay you for it. You have taught me how to be strong again, how to love again and that it is okay to be bent, but nothing will ever break you. Thank you for giving me the courage to hold my head up high again and the strength to share this, your support means more than you will ever know. I love you all with every bone in my body, forever and always.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please utilize these resources. You can also use these resources to find out more about how to get involved in promoting sexual assault awareness.
RAINN The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. Recognized as the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organizations. Provides information, support, resources, and help to get you through. Carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help victims, and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Available 24/7. Provides victims of sexual assault with free, confidential services 24/7.
Men Against Rape “Creating Cultures Free from Violence” Their mission is to mobilize men and use their political and cultural strength to create a culture free from violence, particularly men’s violence against women.
National Sexual Violence Resource Center The NSVRC’s Mission is to provide leadership in preventing and responding to sexual violence through collaboration, sharing and creating resources, and promoting research.
"Be at peace, not in pieces"
