Sometimes the best way to see yourself is through someone else’s eyes. It can give you a glimpse of yourself that you would have otherwise never seen. Hopefully you’ll like what you see, but if not, then you can either wallow in your self-pity, or you can take action and change what you do not like. I want to tell you the story of how I saw myself through the eyes of someone I admire deeply, did not like what I saw, and finally got around to taking action and making a change. I want to tell this story because there is no way that I am the only person who would benefit from my friend’s advice.
For a long time now, I’ve been afraid of putting myself out there because of a shroud of anxiety and insecurity. “What if I’m not good enough?” “What if people don't like me?” These thoughts don't make me special, a lot of people think these same things and feel the same way, and if they are just thoughts and don’t affect your actions then that’s totally normal. However, I noticed, especially once I got to college, that those thoughts and feelings were keeping me from living my life. It made me feel isolated, alone and unsatisfied with what I was doing. I was too afraid to put myself out there. Too afraid to really open up to someone and let them know who I really was. Too afraid to make the first move. Too afraid to risk looking like a fool. I was afraid.
I was able to really see that I was holding myself back thanks to the help of my mentor and friend. We were discussing my life and my worries and he finally got more than likely fed up and said, “When are you going to get sick of it? When are you going to get so f*cking sick of being too afraid to live your life?” Harsh? Maybe. He continued, “Everybody is afraid they’re not good enough. Everybody in the godd*mn world is afraid of people not liking them. But you’re not everybody else in the world. Where’s the fearless person I know you’re supposed to be?” He was right, and what he said hit me like a ton of bricks. It didn’t feel good. I did not like how I was seeing myself through his eyes, but it was something I desperately needed to hear.
It may have taken me a while, but I’m finally at a place where I’m taking action to change that aspect of myself that I was less than proud of. I was sick of being so scared of living my life, and it took me reaching a really low point in life to get there, but I got there. I decided I didn’t want to be scared anymore. How do you not be scared anymore? You just jump all in. No hesitation, no second guessing. Say yes to more things. Just last night I was walking down the street and as I was passing a bar and there was a beautiful drag queen standing outside who said, “Are you going to come inside and see the show?” Yes! I saw an incredible drag show. Some girls asked me to dance with them on the stage after the show, and I said yes and danced like your typical white person in front of everyone, and you know what? I didn’t care because it was fun and I was putting myself out there. I wasn’t scared. I went to a dessert bar and left my number on the receipt for the cute bartender, because why not? It's little things sometimes. I’m finally realizing that putting yourself out there can be extremely rewarding, and I never would have done that without the push I needed from my mentor and friend.
Don’t be too afraid to live your life and put yourself out there, because then eventually you’ll be older and your youth will have passed and you’ll hate yourself for not having made the most of it. Life isn’t as scary as you always think. Have fun.
