Some drink it sparingly, a small cup with a bowl of oatmeal at breakfast. Some drink it by the pot, running on a caffeine addiction like high-octane fuel in a stock car. Some drink it black and strong with nary an add-in. Some prefer it mellow with cream or milk stirred in, and some sweeten it within an inch of its life. Regardless, the most widely consumed stimulant in the world comes in many shapes, colors and tastes, but carries the same effect: It gets the masses going. Whether it's to work, the gym, or simply out of the house, caffeine seems essential to the adult world.
Alas, there is but one titan in the coffee market, casting an overwhelming shadow upon the rest of world’s coffee producers: Starbucks. It seems today that there's a franchise at every street corner, peddling overpriced, sugar-laden, espresso-based sweets to the addicted masses, and that's just it. The big money maker isn't necessarily the coffee that Starbucks brews, but more so the concoctions they derive from it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I grew up under my father’s timeless philosophy, something to the effect of liking coffee like their women: black, hot, and full-bodied. Perhaps my distaste for the culture surrounding the plethora of overly-sweetened beverages stems from my own introduction to caffeine in its most pure, primal form, and not necessarily a feeling of disgust toward the sugar-obsessed beverages of today. Honestly, though, it’s too hard not to judge.
But I get it. People just can’t handle black coffee, and that’s what led to the introduction of the more basic levels of cafe beverages, but isn’t there an eventual line that we have to draw? Honestly, at what point today does a cup of coffee become a milkshake?
To aid with this caffeine-confusion, I’ve concocted a list of a selection of drinks — some incredibly flamboyant, some respectable — from the menu of Starbucks, along with a detailed representation of what they reflect in their respective male consumers. Ladies, consider yourself lucky that you aren’t in possession of the man-card, something which can be brought into scrutiny through order of nothing more than a beverage order.
1. Cappuccino
Confident yet, based on the beverage's foam level, effeminate.
2. Latte
Although a slightly manlier beverage choice than number one, the name alone is enough to lose all masculinity.
3. Macchiato
OK, if you know what this drink is, frankly that’s embarrassing enough.
4. Frappuccino
Question: Is it above 50 degrees? If yes, still don’t order it, you look like a fool.
5. Chai
Jesus, man. Have some self-respect.
6. Americano
Beverage of choice of American GI’s stationed overseas throughout World War I. Manly enough to consume.
7. Iced Coffee
Question: Is it above 50 degrees? If yes, then this is a socially acceptable beverage to order at this temperature.
8. Coffee
The old standby, the tried and true tar. Although it can always be mellowed out with sugar and cream (with sacrifice in man-card as increasing amounts are added), this is the caffeine you can’t go wrong with, man.
Although it comes in all shapes and sizes, textures and tastes, beware my manly companion of the early morning and the business pick-me-up stops that litter the weekly commute. Choose carefully because, though you can tell a lot about a man by his handshake, you won’t even get that far if you’re holding a Skinny French Vanilla Iced Latte.
