"I think you worry too much about what other people think of you," my best friend said to me.
In a way, he may seem right. But social anxiety is not so much worrying about what other people think. It's a constant fear about how other people feel about interacting with you. It's a constant terror that we make people feel badly.
Most of us weren't always this way. I used to be a very confident, assertive person, and may still seem like it on the outside due to extroversion. But social anxiety, which often comes along with or even arises out of depression, actually wrecks people on the inside. In my case, it developed at first out of mild depression I experienced in the winter. However, it blew up after a group of close friends pulled the rug out from under me over the summer (this is common for people with social anxiety. A distressingly negative social situation is often the springboard for social anxiety). My interpersonal sensitivity, already strong and perceptive, went haywire. I didn't want to admit it, but there was something wrong with me beyond worrying what people thought of me. Rather, I was convinced (and often still am) that I am an awful, mean, unbearable person. I felt shame for wanting to talk, for wanting socialization, for who I am. I felt shame for existing, even. And most likely, someone you know is also struggling with this and will not admit it, because their social anxiety has them convinced that if they tell you about their struggles, you will see them as less of a person.
It's a 24-7 whisper in our ear, no matter how much our friends affirm their love for us, that we are a burden and a social obligation to everyone around us. It's emotionally crippling, and often physiologically taxing. Here's what we want you to know:
1. We will often let ourselves be gaslighted
If we have a falling out with friends, we will often, on the basis we know something is wrong with us mentally, let ourselves be the ones who are wrong even if we are not. And we will do this even with the smallest situations. For example, if someone forgets to give us back a book they borrowed and we really need it for class, when they apologize, our response will be something along the lines of, "No, it's my fault because I didn't ask clearly enough." We will find a reason for you to be right and for us to be wrong, because we don't want you to be upset. Because (or so our minds irrationally tell us) if you are upset then you will be annoyed and you won't want to be our friend anymore.
2. We feel like a social obligation to those around us
No matter how much you deny it, our minds will irrationally tell us this. If you say, "I miss you" or "I love you," our social anxiety tell us that you only feel like you have to say those words because we exist. Our anxiety tells us that you're just going through the social motions. It tells us that you are glad when we leave you alone and go away. It tells us you don't really care and are maybe even embarrassed by our presence.
3. We will rarely invite ourselves into conversations for fear of looking invasive
If you see us sitting alone at lunch, invite us to sit with you. We are afraid of pushing into preexisting conversations and want to avoid the appearance of such, and therefore won't come over and join you. We don't want to bother you. Because, our anxiety says, we are annoying people and we don't want you to feel obligated.
4. If we mess up socially, our minds replay the moment for hours
Or sometimes even days or weeks. It can be something as small as a stuttered word, or something more significant such as unintentionally insulting someone in a group setting. The moment gets stuck in a loop in our heads and gets worse every time to the point we will apologize excessively. Which leads to #5...
5. We will apologize for apologizing
As I said earlier, we are afraid of making you feel badly in any way. We will apologize for things we perceive as offensive and then sometimes even apologize for apologizing when the apology turns out to be unnecessary. Bear with us. We are trying to prevent our heads going into that repetitive loop and we want to right the situation any way we can.
6. Everything negative is amplified
And everything neutral is negative. What I'm referring to here is our perceptions of your reactions in conversation. If you tune out on us, we assume we are boring you and being a nuisance. Same for when we are interrupted. If we are blown off by someone, it hurts. Our anxiety takes us from zero to sixty in seconds and tells us that they don't like us, don't want to see us, and the reason why is because we are an annoying and burdensome person, or that we must have done something terribly wrong.
7. Social anxiety has physiological and personal consequences
Some people are thrown into panic attacks or become drastically shy as a result of social anxiety. As an extrovert, I overcompensate by doing the opposite and talking too much, as if extra words and niceties will patch up any possible slip-ups I may have that will make people uncomfortable or unhappy. Some people fall into substance abuse or into toxic relationships. Others cry very easily when confronted with socially stressful situations or harsh people.
8. We won't always say what we mean because we're thinking too hard
We tend to overthink what we say, and as a result not say everything we intend to, say more than we intend to, or not say what we intended at all. If you're not sure what we mean, ask for clarification. Simply attacking our mistake will make us collapse inside.
9. We really, really, really just want to make you happy
A lot of people with social anxiety are not so much focused on themselves as they are on others. We want you to be happy and if our anxiety screws with our perception in a way that we think you are unhappy with our presence/feel awkward because we are around/want us to leave, we will disappear because we don't want to make you upset. We want to be your friend by putting your feelings first, and if that means going away, we will go away.
10. We probably don't want to talk about it. We just want to socialize normally
Part of social anxiety's nasty cycle is knowing something is wrong with us and therefore assuming it will impact our relationships if discovered/in general. Words of affirmation are helpful, but what we really want more than you assuring us everything is okay is you just hanging with us and talking with us like normally. Nothing makes us feel better than feeling comfortable socially, and we will eagerly make sure you feel the same way.
All of that said, here's a little advice. Don't jab us too harshly out of humor. We may take you somewhat seriously. Don't criticize us without some construction. We will take it personally. Pray for us. Don't hide things from us. If you have a problem with us, tell us sooner rather than later. Drawing it out will make it more and more painful for us when we realize you've been harboring hurt and will amplify our anxiety. Give us a hug. Smile at us when you pass us. Get us out of our heads. We can fall into a terrible cycle that's half-depression, half-self-absorption. Anything. Little, normal things. Make us feel like we're more than just an oxygen-user and an obligation. Because more than anything, we love you.
