When my great aunt died, it wasn't by surprise. I knew it was going to happen, but I didn't know exactly when.
The weekend that it happened, I was called and told that she had hours to live on Friday evening and she passed away on Sunday afternoon. I wouldn't have been able to go home to see her (due to the distance and her worsening health) and we wouldn't have been able to have much of a phone conversation, but there are a few things I wish I could have said to her. Most of these things I said before (but didn't say nearly enough) and some are things that I never had the chance to say, not even once.
I wish I would've told her thank you more often. She provided me with financial and moral support for most of my life and 9 times out of 10, I never thanked her for any of it. I took her for granted, never thinking about the fact that someday she wouldn't be a "hey" or a phone call away. I never knew that someday I would be sitting in her car, that would suddenly belong to me, and sob because I couldn't say thank you to her for it, that I couldn't tell her that I left her Indianapolis colts license plate on the front or that I play Elvis when the cd player actually works. If I would've known, I would have probably at least sent a thank you once a month in the mail.
Another thing that I wish I would have told my aunt is that I'm sorry. While we had many good times, there were a lot of times where I was simply too much to handle as a child and adolescent. I wish I could have told her sorry for being a complete punk.
On a similar note, I wish I could have told my aunt that I forgive her, for all the times that her words have cut just a little too deep. She wasn't a perfect person by any means, but I wish she would have known that I forgave some of the hurtful things she told me and I wish she would have known that I forgave her for not always raising me like the other parents did, but for simply doing the best that she could.
I wish I would've told her that I was bisexual. I believe my mom told her for me (and I was absolutely outraged at her for outing me), but I wish I would have had the courage to allow my aunt to see the real me, even if it might've disappointed her. I don't know for sure if she knew, but if she were still here, I would make sure that she did know.
I also wish that I would've called her more. For the few years before she died, I rarely called because of how consumed I was by my course and work schedules, extra-curricular activities, and a lousy attempt at having a social life. If I would've known she was going to die so suddenly, I would've let her know how I was more often. I regret not doing so, because I'll never be able to call her again and I still have so much that I want to tell her. Maybe I'll write some letters and that'll be good enough. I don't really know. I suppose that this article was a good place to start.
