Whether it is our parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles, or some other form of relatives, family members are often the closest people to us. They have known us the longest, spend the most time around us, see us at our most vulnerable states, and get to know us better than most people that we come in contact with. Due to tight family values and close ties, they can become very protective of us, want the best for our wellbeing, and have a far easier time expressing their opinions on our actions and decisions. For this reason, conflict is prevalent among family members, and effective management of this conflict is necessary in order to keep a balance with our loved ones.
Since each family is different and situations are so wide ranging under the numerous circumstances that can occur, pinpointing one universal conflict-resolution-solution is impossible. For the sake of this diversity, conflicts that arise in families should be handled on a case-by-case basis. However, here are a few flexible tips (along with some strategies to avoid) that can be applied in order to manage conflict that arises to reach optimal effectiveness throughout an array of difficulties.
Often, when things go wrong, our initial reaction is to assume that our loved ones hadn’t taken our feelings into consideration before making the decision they made or saying whatever it is that they said to upset us. Our grandparents forgot our most important game of the year, uncles and aunts snickered when we told them about our future plans, or our parents made a comment about our new significant other without knowing them completely. As simple and cliché as it sounds, in situations like these, giving the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping to conclusions is the simplest way to minimize these feelings of deception. Even if they didn’t know how to express or follow up on it correctly, so many times conflict has occurred even though our kin had the purest of intentions and our best interest at heart. Not every incident that upsets us was meant to upset us, and there are countless external factors in life that contribute to the way things pan out in the end—many of which cannot be easily controlled. Keeping that in mind can diffuse our inceptive anger, keeping our minds clear enough to address the topic without worsening it with hurtful retaliation. Having the ability to put our emotions aside during times of high stress is crucial in order to make logical decisions and have meaningful, levelheaded conversations to solve these situations and work out differences in opinions. The best strategy is to put ourselves in their shoes, remembering times where we have been so busy at work that we forgot to call our moms, or have been so distracted that we forgot our sister’s birthday, or wording something in such a way that it came off far harsher than we had originally intended. It is just as painful to have someone mad or upset with us for something irreversible that we caused. That hopeless feeling is one we have all experienced, so we should try our very best to empathize with them when they are feeling the same way. To make a long story short: talk it out, explain and listen effectively, hug it out, accept the apology, and move on. It is not to say that everything deserves forgiveness or should be taken lightly; however, to be sure that we have given the topic the proper management and effort before we so easily write off someone who means the most to us is a tactic that we will not regret.
One important factor in conflict resolution that I can stress is to avoid taking sides when conflict arises among family members. Just because so-and-so was talking about how they don’t agree with so-and-so’s parenting skills, or college/career decisions, or religious/political views, does not make it necessary for us to contribute and fuel the fire. If we continue the cycle by trying to round up others to “side” with us, it can unknowingly and unintentionally cause the feeling of being attacked to whomever is on the opposing side. We can be sucked into it even when we don’t have a personal problem or feel affected by the situation at hand, but those/that person on the “opposing side” will often gain the impression that we are involving ourselves “against” them by engaging in this banter. This later can lead to a division that becomes more and more difficult to reconcile when there is continuously people being added to the situation. The more family members involved, the more opinions and biases are incorporated, and the higher of a chance there is for miscommunication, misunderstandings, and assumptions. Suddenly, a small issue that could have been solved if the few people initially involved had handled it directly has turned into a family feud, as well as a breeding-ground for increasing tension and arguments. Stemming off from this ineffective management style, divulging sensitive information to outsiders is a toxic plan as well. Although it can be tempting to discuss some personal details outside of your circle of relatives when they are the source of your frustration, family business that is meant to be kept private should not be disclosed on a whim to others where it can be misinterpreted or lobbed into the sea of gossip. Crossing these familial boundaries can create a sense of betrayal and lack of trust, which isn’t easily repairable.
Lastly, and most importantly, take the situation for exactly that—simply a situation, rather than associating the mistake with your overall judgment of the loved one that you are concerned about. So what if our cousin found himself in a run in with the law, our sibling was placed on academic probation and is taking time off from college, or our father lost his job and is struggling with depression that we don’t quite understand. While these situations can affect a family in its entirety for a period of time, it simply doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Empathy, again, is the key to managing conflict in situations such as the ones describes above. Due to the high regard we place on people we care about, it can be easy to overreact during times of disagreement and conflict with members of our family; however, if we begin to recognize the fact that one disappointing choice does not have to demolish our view of the person’s entire character, it can aid us in keeping the issue at hand in perspective. Although it can be difficult to accept, just as any other individual, including us, members of our families are not perfect. Reminding ourselves of this can be an effective way of managing and diffusing conflict amongst our families because we can attempt to give them as much slack as we would give to any other human being, despite our close relationship with them that could cloud our judgment to begin with. The situation does not have to define this family member who we have trusted, guided, laughed with, and watched grow into a wonderful person for years. As relatives, growing up together, we have gotten to know each other to our very cores. These positives are not to be forgotten just because adversity has arisen. The times of most difficulty, rather than passing judgment or disowning the person going through a rough patch or figuring out the situation that is the source of the conflict, are the times that we need our family the most. These are the times that we will be far more effective at conflict management if we band together, creating a plan of action—one that focuses on repairing the present in order to create a brighter future as a whole, rather than dwelling on the past and breaking into pieces.
