About a month ago, I wrote a piece entitled “What To Do When You’re Just Not Sorry”. This is a companion piece to that one: addressing the sincere and meaningful apology.
We all face situations in our lives that require heartfelt apologies. Sometimes we’ve hurt someone we love, made a mistake, spoke thoughtlessly, or acted insensitively. These times are when it’s especially important to put aside our own feelings of guilt and shame and repair our relationship with that person. Sincere apologies go a long way towards repairing damage done to a relationship. They lay the foundation for rebuilding trust—and a healthy relationship can’t exist without trust! I know people in my life who never give heartfelt apologies, and it hurts when we disagree or fight. If neither of us can sincerely say, “I’m sorry,” then we both end up frustrated, disappointed, and sad. This emotional damage can be just as devastating as a physical wound and it’s just as critical to start the healing process as soon as possible.
I know I’m not always good at apologies. Sometimes I avoid saying sorry just so that I can feel like I’m still right—but the truth is that I’m not always right about everything. Nobody is. So I did a little research and found a great article by Stephanie Hicks posted on HubPages titled “How to Apologize Like You Mean It”. Here are her main points:
1. Acknowledging that you have caused another person pain or grief;
2. Asking for forgiveness by expressing that you are truly sorry for your actions or your words;
3. Actively seeking positive steps to rebuild trust and/or heal wounds
So from these points, those of us who are really bad at apologies, myself included, can build a plan of action. Using our earlier physical wound metaphor, this is just like acknowledging that the wound exists and needs attention.
We already know that it’s not enough to just throw out a lazy “sorry” and then go on with our lives because it can and will hurt the people around us. So instead of that lazy “sorry,” let’s look at some positive ways to acknowledge what we’ve done.
“Hey, I know I hurt you by doing this specific thing.”
“I said this thing that offended you.”
“I was a jerk to you, and I know that’s not cool.”
Acknowledgement is just the first step. Once it’s clear that everybody is on the same page, it’s time to move on to the second step, which actively moves us towards healing.
Asking for forgiveness is extremely difficult, but critical. It’s like cleaning out all the dirt and gunk that might be in that physical wound that we just noticed. And just like it’s important to disinfect a cut before taking care of it, it’s important to ask for forgiveness in order to stop the buildup of resentment. Here are some ways to ask for forgiveness.
“Can you forgive me for doing this rude and hurtful thing?”
“What I said was wrong. I know you’re mad, but can we try and rebuild our relationship?”
“I screwed up, and I’m asking you to trust me again because I want you in my life.”
Remember, just because forgiveness is requested doesn’t mean it’s automatically given. Everyone is perfectly within their rights to decide whether they can rebuild a relationship or not, and if it turns out that it can’t be fixed, then graceful acceptance is the most decent and polite thing to do.
Finally, if the person that’s been hurt decides that they’re willing to forgive, healing can begin. This is like putting ointment on a cut and bandaging it. Changing some aspect of hurtful behavior is the most labor-intensive part of a true apology. We need to prove we’ve changed by demonstrating to the person that we’ve hurt that we aren’t going to hurt them again. This could mean any number of specific things.
If something hurtful was said, care should be taken to avoid saying hurtful things in the same way. It might be a good idea to educate yourself if what was said was out of ignorance.
If the offense was caused by an angry outburst, perhaps pursuing healthy outlets like physical activity would be a good idea.
These three components are the meat and potatoes of true apologies, which are critical for healthy, happy relationships. Apologizing can make or break a relationship, and that’s why the art of the sincere, meaningful apology is so important to master. I know I’m working on it little by little, and hopefully becoming better in the process.
