I have anorexia, OCD, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and depression. When I tell people that their first reaction is either "I'm sorry," or "Are you okay?" First thing, you don't have to be sorry because I'm not. I might dislike my disorders but I love myself and I love my struggle. Second thing, you probably don't mean "are you okay?" When someone asks me "are you okay?" in the spur of the moment like that, what I'm really hearing is "do I have to do anything?" It's kind of like how people ask "how are ya?" in passing. It comes from a place of kindness but there's better ways to say what you mean if you really do want to reach out.
Telling someone you have a mental illness, especially in college, can feel a lot like coming out. I've come out as gender queer and you feel vulnerable and scared. For mental illness, what I've always been most scared of is coming off as weak or broken.
Higher education has kind of conditioned us to think like this from before we even arrive on campus. I remember reading a book when I was a junior in high school about college applications and it literally said, "Don't say anything about psychological struggles, colleges don't want to hear about that." In a seminar I went to about graduate school, the story was the same. Mentally ill people are encouraged to stay in the "closet" rather than appear weak. There is this falsehood perpetuated that you can't be both "okay" and struggling. This mentality also discredits mental illnesses as disabilities, it suggests that because our struggle is intangible that it is something we need to get over, not be accommodated for.
My friends have come to understand that my version of "okay" is different than most people's and that's what I want to talk about. Instead of asking "are you okay?" I find it's better to open up the conversation. For me I don't mind talking about my mental illness. Ask what it's like, ask what you can do to make it easier. Ask what you should know. When people ask "are you okay?" I usually feel like I must be presenting as "not okay" in order for someone to ask that. I feel like the person is trying to find a band aide that will fix me.
When people who open up to you explain their struggles you don't have to understand to be supportive.
On the flip side, mentally ill students shouldn't have to feel like they have to conceal this part of themselves in order to succeed. You can be successful and struggling. You are not a broken person.
As a community we need to stop asking "are you okay?" and start asking "who are you and what is your world like?"
