You hear people make jokes about social anxiety all the time, saying that they "hate talking to people" and that they "feel shy when they meet someone." Social media broadcasts society's take on anxiety everywhere, but not many ever learn what it really feels like.
Very few people know about this, but I suffer from severe social anxiety. I live pretty much every day in fear of rejection, judgement, disapproval, humiliation and failure. It's a lot worse than people make it out to be, but I know there are people out there that have it worse than I do.
People without social anxiety will begrudgingly make a phone call without feeling too stressed out. However, the very thought of me making a phone call to someone I don't know makes me want to cry. "What if they think I'm weird? Will they be annoyed that I called? I bet they'll hate me for bothering them." I can't really explain why that's how it feels, because deep down I know that nothing major will happen when I make the phone call. But the idea of talking to someone and not knowing what to say, stumbling over my words, and embarrassing myself terrifies me.
People without social anxiety get nervous when they have to introduce themselves to new people and start a conversation with a blank slate. Almost anyone does, because that first impression is really important. I am so afraid of rejection and disapproval and judgement that I will go great lengths to avoid interacting with people. I have broken down in tears in group-building activities at my university because of the nerves. I stayed in my room alone and watched reruns of "Parks and Recreation" because I couldn't handle the pressure of Rush Week. I declined invites to go to events because I was scared of seeing unfamiliar people and having to talk to them. I skipped class because I heard that day the professor was having the class do group activities. I can rehearse what I will say when I introduce myself and how I will keep the conversation going a million times, but as soon as I have to actually do it, all of that planning leaves my head. I end up having to excuse myself because I can't handle the pressure.
The idea of standing up in 11 days and introducing myself to my new classmates gives me terrible anxiety. Just the thought of having everybody stare at me and judge my appearance, my stance and my quiet, shaky voice scares me to death. I know that in the moment, I will stumble over my words. That is how I will be remembered in class: a scared-looking, quiet girl who doesn't talk to anyone. I know that people don't judge me that much, but my mind can't stop giving me those feelings.
This is how people with social anxiety go through their everyday lives. We feel like outcasts. Social anxiety keeps us from developing friendships and going out in public. It keeps us in constant fear of having to talk to someone or making a phone call. It keeps us from getting up to go to the bathroom because we don't want anyone to stare.
The only reason I made it through first semester at college was because my roommates went with me to give me support. I appreciate my friends, family and God so much for getting me through life. I wish I could just go up to people and introduce myself to someone and start a conversation. That is the goal I am currently working on. It will take me a long, long time to achieve this goal, but I know with the support of my friends and family (and maybe some medicine) I can get better.
I know there are millions of people who struggle with the same thing I do, and kudos to you guys for being so strong.
Be graceful when someone stumbles over their words in a conversation. Be graceful when you see someone look like they're about to cry in public. Be graceful when someone doesn't want to go out to public events. Everyone is trying their best to get by in this world. With a little grace, you can make someone's day that much better. Let's spread awareness for social anxiety.
