Romcoms: They’re heartwarming, cheesy, and an oh so satisfying go-to on Friday nights, especially when paired with a carton of Ben & Jerry’s and an imaginary significant other snuggled up close by. Alas, the older and more worldly I become, the more I begin to question the moral integrity of this genre.
Why is it always raining? Don’t these people have jobs or something? Would that borderline stalker behavior still be endearing if the guy wasn't so pretty? These are the questions that haunt me.
Here are a few more messages romantic comedies have subtly yet permanently carved into the impressionable minds and hearts of watchers like me. For your reading convenience, each lesson is categorized by the title of a familiar rom com with a new and improved title beside it.
"50 First Dates," or 50 Rejections Mean "Yes," Right?
If you’ve continually rejected Adam Sandler day after day because you are literally unable to recall any memories with him, he should keep trying to woo you. Sure, he doesn’t respect you enough to listen to you, but just look how cute he looks in that Hawaiian shirt. It’s cool: He’ll make you a video tape of your marriage and the birth of your children and what not, so that’s pretty much as good as actually remembering.
"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," or How to Have First World Problems
Love exists between two white heterosexual individuals with no actual problems in their lives other than the fact that they both bet against each other and ended up experiencing genuine sexual attraction toward each other. As this could happen to any upper-middle-class white heterosexuals in this crazy, mixed-up world, it's an important message to keep in mind.
"He's Just Not that Into You," or They Just Don't Seem to Have Lives
Tedious and irksome aspects of life—friendships, career, family—must always fall secondary to a fleeting chance at courtship with some person who doesn’t respect you that much. It is also important to note that the most interesting topic women can discuss together is heterosexual males who may or may not be interested in them. We’ve apparently been friends our whole lives, but I don’t know how because all we do is talk about guys who don’t care about us enough to treat us well…
"27 Dresses," or 27 Problems and a Man is One
If a guy treats you like dirt or publishes an article about you telling the world how you’re always a bridesmaid and never a bride (with no prior warning), then that is completely unacceptable. Unless he is fine as hell. Then you obviously should forgive him, marry him, and force everyone you know to come to the wedding to prove that you can find love.
"Made of Honor," or Made You Think I was Going to Marry You but then You Didn’t Let Me Eat Your Dessert Off Your Plate When We Were at a Fancy Dinner and Now We’re Done, Boy
If you have to choose between two potential mates—say, your best friend who’s been in love with you forever but treats women, including you, like poop and a kind, handsome man from Scotland who respects you—it’s time to get serious. Don’t make the choice based on who’s a better person: Make the choice based on who’s willing to let you steal their food at restaurants. Obviously.
"The Notebook," or The Hunky Homewrecker
If you’re happy and looking forward to the future with your new fiance, you should put your entire life on hold and hook up with your loser ex-boyfriend. Especially if he builds your dream house 10 years after your last (highly awkward) conversation.
"The Proposal," or The Proposed Relationship that Would Never in One Million Years Work
Once upon a time, there was a strong, independent woman with only one thing missing in her life: A numbskull boyfriend. She taught us that women in positions of power are inherently overbearing and aggressive, but that deep down, they’re not as mean as they seem, especially when they run headfirst buck naked into their assistant and chant "balls" with said assistant's grandma in the woods.
"Valentine’s Day," or Let’s See How Many Attractive Celebrities We can Cram into One Movie about Relationships
You need to be real, real pretty to find love. Also, Taylor Swift is either a terrible actor, or she's such a good actor that we all think she's a terrible actor.
But ubiquitous of all romantic comedies is one universal truth:
You will never experience those awkward, uncomfortable moments associated with having a human body whilst wooing a potential love Interest, such as needing to poop and worrying about them hearing you in the next room over or waking up in the morning next to the person you like and realizing you look and smell like yikes.
Thanks, romcoms!
