I wasn't emotionally ready to start college at 18. Even though I thought that I was ready to leave home and move two states away from my family, I wasn't.
You see, the main reason I chose to attend the first college I did was because at the time they provided Macbooks to incoming freshmen. Sad, right? I wouldn't have been able to afford one on my own, and that felt like a great reason to rack up debt. Of course, I got so much out of my first try at college. I gained great friends, an appreciation for a diverse group of people, and an academic foundation to help guide me through the rest of my academia. But, if I am to be so bold, what really helped me grow up was the two-year gap between when I quit the first school and began again in Colorado.
Before I get up on my soapbox, I would just like to say one thing: I am not suggesting that you take a two-year break to “find yourself.” I never set out thinking that I was going to have to take a break from school. And to be completely honest, I did not want to. It just sort of happened.
For the majority of my two-year gap, I thought of myself as a failure. Though I had the support of my family and the love of a sweet fellow, I hated myself. The first year wasn't terrible, but, slowly and surely, everything started to fall apart.
First, I had a serious emotional breakdown that landed me in the hospital, and then the majority of the new friends I had gathered over the years decided they didn't want me to be a part of their life simultaneously. Just to be clear, my issues with anxiety did not send them away; they're all beautiful people, and I would not be who I am now without their existence. I realize now we all needed to move on from each other.
Losing the people that I had adored and admittedly looked up to sent me into disillusionment. I thought that, without them, I was nothing. I was no one.
Turns out I was wrong.
I would never have made the leap to go to back to school this past fall if those old friends had stuck around. I probably wouldn't have even left Oklahoma. I would've been too scared to try anything different. I wouldn't be proud of who I am now. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that I would have put my writing goals in the trash. And that wouldn't have been on them. That'd be all me.
If I hadn't had taken that break from school, I wouldn't have the confidence in myself to know that when I set my sights on something I truly care about, I can do it and I will do it. I'm not a failure.
I never thought that I'd be proud to say that I once dropped out of school, but I learned an incredible amount about what truly matters in the scheme of things: myself. That's not selfishness, that's serious self-love.
