One year. It has been over a year since the day I told you goodbye. Things have changed so drastically since that day. I’ve become everything you said I couldn’t and more.

Those close to me remember it clearly I’m sure. The deepening of my dark circles and the disappearance of my smile. My laugh that hadn’t been heard for months. Seems like only yesterday, right? It hasn’t been easy on me, I had a lot to figure out and I had a lot to rebuild. Most of all my confidence. I did it. I did it without you and because of you. And I’m finally ready to talk about it. To talk about why anyone who is struggling in an abusive relationship can come to me at any hour.

That first date I never would have suspected a thing, you were shy and a perfect gentleman. You answered all of my friends’ questions and you even bought us all dinner. I remember driving your truck that night. Thinking wow, okay. This guy is definitely a southern sweetheart. Maybe dating won’t be so bad. Do you remember me telling you that I hadn’t long been out of a relationship? Four years spent with the guy that if you had asked me 6 months earlier, I would have thought would be my husband. And you were patient. We talked about our past and learned a little from each other. You acted as a mentor for me in chemistry and we shared our growing like for each other. Everything was going great and I slowly started to talk about you to my mother. Of course I played it off at first. You were “just my tutor” nothing special. We spent a few weeks talking and then my birthday came around. That was the weekend I first met your parents and we made our first outing as a “couple”. My 20th birthday and I was happy as could be.

Until my friends threw me a birthday party.

You kept your calm for the most part, you told me to be careful and try to text you every so often. And the night went great. I had a great time, met a lot of people and everything was fine.

I woke up in my bed the next morning feeling like my head was going to explode. I didn’t know how I had gotten home and even my keys were missing. Big mistake. You were short the rest of the day but we still made plans for that evening. You came over and we small talked and studied a little. Then everything kind of just spiraled.

It was the very first time you ever left a bruise. I was in shock and shaking. I ran to my roommate’s room and wept on the phone with her. I shook and trembled when you followed me in and forced me back into my room alone with you. The very last place I should have been. When you threw my phone into the floor with such force and threatened to do the same with my laptop, both of which I had worked so hard to save up the money for. But you didn’t care. I’m sure you didn’t want to hit me with my computer. At least that’s what you kept telling me when I pleaded for you to get out. My brain was such a jumble.

You never left that night. And you started to stay every night, remember that?

We started spending the weekends at your parents’. Your mother cooked an amazing meal, you and I went out to the shopping centers where you’d pick out an “I’m sorry” gift and then we would go back and watch TV until it was time for bed.

One of the trips you decided to yell at me in front of them. You pushed me off the couch with your feet for being on Pinterest instead of watching whatever show you and your dad had on. With tears in my eyes I went to the kitchen table. I figured trying to accomplish some school work would ease your anger. Your mother saw me crying and came over. She offered kind words of “he gets angry when he’s tired” and “he can’t help himself."

The school semester had come and gone. I had a month off from school, which meant I was at home and away from you. The holidays came and went and we decided to make it official. I remember crying when I said yes and now I can’t remember if I was happy or if we had fought.

But I stayed.

Classes started back a few weeks later and I made my way back to campus with hopes that this semester would be better. I don’t think I have to tell you that things were worse. Your paranoia became increasingly worse, I guess due to the four hour distance. I had to answer my phone the first time you called or there were repercussions. I would get out of some classes to 36 texts and 4 missed calls. Those were the worst days. My evenings were spent crying/screaming over the phone with you for hours at a time. Telling myself over and over that I wasn’t a failure, worthless, or whatever else you decided to call me that day.

I spent many weekends driving down to South Carolina to visit. I cried every time my Maxima wouldn’t crank because you thought I did it on purpose. I wasted one whole evening trying to crank my car every 30 minutes because you weren’t having any excuses. And once I got there we were right back at it, you being mad and me cowering as far away from you as I could be.

But I stayed.

Do you remember the first time we went to the beach house? When you screamed at your mom for over an hour and had me in tears for how bad I felt for her. Where I watched you angry over a weed eater overflowing so you followed her, screaming and cussing. I have always believed that the way a guy treats his mother is equivalent to what you should expect. And you didn’t disappoint.

After you were done with her you came after me for texting my mother describing the house as “cute and small” then you went on to my Guy Harvey shirt, which you had bought, telling me that I was just trying to be like everyone else and had no clue what real fishing was.

On the ride back I had to pretend that I wanted to sit beside you while you both pretended nothing had even happened.

But I stayed.

Nothing compares to the countless arguments about school work. I was such a disappointment to you. Stupid, failure, worthless, white trash. Just to name a few.

Hours on top of hours spent on the phone just pleading with you to stop yelling. To just be quiet. Instead you would keep me on the phone until 2 and 3am yelling about wasting my money and only doing the things I enjoyed for the looks. So much of that time you spent screaming about me not studying and doing schoolwork that I could have spent doing just that.

Eventually you started stalking my Facebook and Instagram. If I liked or shared a picture you thought was “trashy” I had 10 minutes to undo the damage or you threatened to report my pages or make up something to tell my family. Soon after I stopped leaving my phone on. Anyone who texted me (which in case you forgot had been restricted down to my mother) was greeted with anger. I couldn’t check Facebook or related apps and subsequently had to turn off all notifications for fear of your retaliation.

Do you remember formal? The night I had been looking forward to all semester. I had made a special trip home just to get my favorite dress. The one that I have absolutely adored since the day I picked it out. The one that by the end of the night had a broken strap and tattered hem.

If it wasn’t the screaming on the phone about not knowing what you should wear that made that night so amazing; then it was definitely screaming at me until I was sobbing 30 feet from our destination. The rest of the night you couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to eat or why I wasn’t smiling. My friends noticed. They knew. But we smiled, took pictures, tried to enjoy ourselves in the short amount of time that we had while you had one of my sisters pulled to the side.

But I stayed.

I can’t remember much after that. School ended and I was back home. I don’t remember how many weeks had passed since I had seen you last. To this day I am thankful to my mother and brother for finally stepping in and telling me no more. As I was shaking and sobbing my mother held me and my brother said things to you that I can’t remember. But I am so thankful.

So I left.

I wish so much that I could see you now. Face to face I want to look in your eyes and see your reaction. I’m happy. I still have my days where I’m paranoid, anxious, and apologize for the simplest of things. I suppose I will for a long time now. I still get defensive over things before I realize I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t have to have an explanation planned anymore. I don’t have to give a minute by minute play out of my plans to let you approve of them. If I want to eat something it isn’t met with criticism or hate.

You know the one thing that still sticks in my head? When you made the comment “you text your ex happy birthday and they don’t respond, but that’s expected” Do you remember when I reached out to you two days after your birthday? Funny how a few days later I realized you had started stalking my Facebook again. Did you get upset at all? Mad even? I hope you’ve thought about texting me a time or two. I really hope I get the chance to talk to you again. Who knows, maybe by some chance you might see this one day.

I hope you do.

I really just want you to know that I am not bitter about the things that happened. I like to think you loved me in some sort of way. Even if it was just barely. I cared for you a lot and I like to think I changed your life some. I hope you think about me here and there. Just enough to remember. I want you to remember all the places you made me cry. I want you to learn. I pray that if you find a wife that she never experiences what I did. I really hope you learn to be a better person and learn how to talk to people. Heaven knows your career as a chiropractor depends on it.

And for the people out there who are reading this thinking, I need to get out. Don’t let the people around you say “I told you so” or “what were you thinking” I know what you were thinking, I know how helpless you feel. It is okay to feel lost. It is okay to be scared to reconnect to those people your abuser tried to pull you away from. It is okay to apologize to those that you have inadvertently hurt. It is not okay, however, to ever think that this was your fault or that you deserved this. Abuse is a mental flaw in the abuser. Not you.

Be unapologetically yourself. Be fearless, strong, and crazy confident. Find something you love and cling to it. Do not be scared to start over, do not be scared to be clingy.

Do not accept less than you deserve and stay head strong.

This is a reminder that you do not have to listen to anyone complain. You do not have to apologize for removing yourself from someone who is toxic. You especially do not have to explain your reasoning behind doing something.