"The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls" - Edgar Allen Poe
Mental illness is different for everyone, but for me it goes something like this:
Mental illness is repressing feelings, and then lashing out later on about something insignificant. It's feeling everything at once, and then suddenly nothing at all. It's being scared to be awake, but even more afraid to sleep because of the mortifying nightmares. It's staying up all night crying until your eyes are about to pop out of your head. It's constantly needing to have a routine so that you don't have to be alone with your thoughts for too long.
Being mentally ill is wanting to live but also wanting to die.
It's eating and drinking so little that you stop going to the bathroom. Losing so much weight in such a short period of time, and then gaining more back even faster. Mental illness is embarrassing. It's something you want to hide because you don't want people to think you're crazy. You don't want people to think you're weak, even though you know you're so incredibly strong.
Mental illness is draining.
Being mentally ill means having to go out into the world every day with a mask on. A mask of someone who is calm and put together. A portrait of someone you wish you could always be. It's making everything a big deal because in your mind it is. It's hurting people who love you, and self-sabotaging relationships. It's acting like you're fine, but secretly dying on the inside. It's praying that someone will save you and take your pain away. It's being surrounded by people and somehow feeling even more alone. It's trying absolutely every self-help strategy in the book, and still plunging back under water. It's having days where you just want rip your heart out and scream at the top of your lungs.
Mental illness is dark and ugly.
It's being content in suffering because all you know is problems. It's having happiness on the tips of your fingers, but being too afraid to grasp it. Being scared to let joy into your life because it's out of your comfort zone.
Mental illness is not fun. It's not cool or trendy. It's not something you want to brag about or show off like a new pair of shoes. It's something you want to lock away in the deepest part of your mind and pray to whatever you believe in that it never comes out. You hope that maybe your pain will be replaced with something lovely and warm instead. It's working hard every single day to do the little things that feel so strenuous. It's constantly trying to gain control of your own mind.
Suffering from mental illness means you always have to be strong. You always have to be brave, and you always have to keep having hope. You can never really rest, you always have to keep fighting the battle against your own mind.
If you love someone with a mental illness please be patient. Please be kind. I promise they need you more than they'll ever admit.
