We’ve all been there. Whether you’re 14 or 24, unless you’ve lived a life devoid of close interpersonal romantic relationships, you’ve had your heart broken, and odds are, it’ll happen again. That whole heartbreak thing was something I hadn’t expected, and something I thought I could avoid through careful emotional control and steady communication throughout my relationship with my boyfriend of almost a year.
Well, we all can assume how that went.
After spending a year with another person, I realized just how much we had become each other’s appendages. From keeping the wishes of the other in the backs of our minds to making choices contingent on emotional responses, I had done what just about every person in a long term relationship falls victim to: compromising in order to facilitate a healthy relationship.
Yes, that’s normal, and yes, that’s good.
But when all of a sudden, you’re blindsided and left out to dry? Unlearning what a year or more’s worth of time had installed in you can be a bit of a problem. Within the past two months, I’ve been relearning everything I thought I knew, and let me tell you— it hasn’t been pretty. So here’s a short list of the things I learned while reconfiguring my emotional state after a breakup.
1. I can move as a single being rather than a single unit.
While healthy relationships don’t prohibit people from doing most things, it’s kind of hard to pack up in one afternoon and drive to Charleston for a weekend when your significant other wants to make plans. If you’re with another person, it’s easy to feel like you always want to take them with you. That can be healthy and normal, however, there’s something liberating in saying “I’m filling my backpack and leaving RIGHT NOW” without having to plan and arrange with another human being. The extreme mobility that is present when I’m able to do things on my own, without the emotional response of another, has been a freeing experience.
2. My values are allowed to change.
Being single has allowed me to move from being a fully altruistic thinker to a more utilitarian one. Such changes in the moral code can be rough in relationships, especially when two individuals build together. These changes can be survived, however, they’re not easily done when another person’s feelings is taken into consideration. Could I have done this in a relationship? Probably. Would he have been very comfortable with it? Probably not.
3. Damn, I’m fierce.
Well, as a single girl at a same-sex institution, where’s a girl to go to find a mass of male attention? Some say Tinder, some say off campus, but why not both? As a single girl, I’ve met a swath of interesting, wonderful people from all up and down the east coast, and I’ve never felt more fierce, more fiery, or more attractive. While nine or 10 good morning texts from different people doesn’t feel quite as satisfying as a good morning text from someone you love, it’s a firm reminder that just because he didn’t want me, doesn’t mean nobody wants me, which is an easy hole to slip into.
4. I don’t have to deal with crap from guys.
This lesson was learned explicitly from Tinder, land of “guess if you’re trying to exclusively have sex with me or not”. While managing my Tinder account and communicating with all kinds of guys, I quickly realized that if someone isn’t going to speak to me respectfully, I don’t have to waste my time on him. If he says anything to me I don’t like? Bye. If he’s rude to me? Bye. If he gets creepy? Bye. If I spell out exactly what I’m looking for and the individual doesn’t take me seriously or respect my wishes? See you later *cough cough* never, alligator. This social media experience alone has taught me to be proactive with what I want, and to remove from consideration those who don’t respect this. You’d think this would be obvious, but this was honest to God a revelation for me — I don’t have to let myself be uncomfortable for the enjoyment of other people.
5. I am responsible for my own happiness.
It seems that many teenagers nowadays are lured into the idea that relationships cause happiness, as portrayed by many social media platforms as well as a menagerie of rom com movies. Do you know what makes me smile nowadays? My damn self. Being alone has me investing my time in my own interests, focusing on issues I’m immensely passionate about, and is driving me to live for myself and my own experience rather than maintaining what I assume someone else sees as “stable” about me. At the end of the day, I will smile more because of my work with anti-human trafficking measures or because of horseback riding than I ever would because of something someone else did. And that was what I had forgotten. My happiness, my passions, and my lifestyle are not contingent on another human being, and even without my best friend by my side, I can exist and be just as happy, if not more happy, than I’d ever been.
So if you’re reading this because recently your now ex-significant other pulled some cliche line out of a hat and you’re feeling alone, remember that there’s a lot of learning to be done. Your physical makeup was not altered because you lost a temporary person. And while you may not be the same person anymore, this means you have some time for yourself to make a metamorphosis. Let yourself grow, and don’t be inhibited. Trust me, it’ll be worth your while.
