If you know what exhaustion feels like, multiply that by a hundred and then you've barely scraped the surface of what it really feels like.
It's like living in a cage with the door wide open, with no willing limbs to carry you to freedom. Its panicking about literally everything, but having no motivation or care to do anything about it. It's knowing you have deadlines and work, but your mind won't allow you to settle for a happy medium and get anything done.
Depression is enough on its own to handle. You feel like garbage and can't get out of bed most days. You let your thoughts dictate your vision of yourself and you fade away.
Add anxiety into the mix. It's like becoming the embodiment of chaos itself. Now you're worried about every little thing, constantly turning your head in the panic to new things and avoiding people at all costs, which you already do, but now its a priority.
Because being around people only makes you feel worse about yourself in the sense of how much life and joy and determination they have when you were not gifted with the same basic talents.
You have piles of homework to attend to with deadlines approaching the harbor quickly, but you can't bring yourself to raise your sail and do things on task. Waves upon waves of defeat and trepidation drag you under and it becomes hard to breathe, hard to see.
It's not easy living like this, constantly exhausted by the opposing forces in your head. But the important thing to remember is that it's not all in your head. It is very real. People show as much as they want when it comes to battles like this, but no one can say and fully believe that depression and anxiety doesn't exist, because it exists everywhere and in a more broad audience.
Help is wanted, but sometimes barely achievable in states like this. It's hard to hear us with our silent screams, but we do want help and we do appreciate those that make a effort. You are not forgotten, but sometimes we need more than one checkup.
We need reassurance that our friends and family still love and care for us. No matter how much you want us to open up about it, it rarely happens. So if you just simply know someone who deals with these struggles, let them know that you are there for them, even if they tell you nothing. It's the thought that you aren't alone when you feel most vulnerable that truly counts.
Don't discredit us. Don't pretend to understand when you don't. If you can't comprehend the situation, then just lend a careful ear. It's better to have listened quietly than to have listened ignorantly.
Fighting these battles isn't for the faint of heart. Maybe that's why we fight, because we somehow are strong enough to get through it.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7