Last week, my follow Odyssey writer Jen Jordan wrote a beautiful open letter to her father, about how “I, too, know that my father will not be around forever.” – In it, she discussed how much her father means to her, how lucky she is to have him in her life, and what he does for her and her family. From reading her article, it made the reality of my life so much harder to bear.
As it is, my dad (as shown above) is currently 73, going on 74 years old. He raised my twin sister and I on our own after our mother passed away when we were kids, and has tried his hardest within his means to raise us. For years, my father has had all kinds of health problems (mental and physical) which has not only begun to destroy him, but is starting to tear me apart as well.
When I was a senior in high school, one of my friend’s moms had a heart attack and at first, I didn’t believe her when she told me. I always thought since my father had a solid 20 years on any of my friend’s parents, he would be the first one to go; and yet, a few of my high school classmates’ fathers have passed away since. I think about all the ailments and health issues that my elderly father has, and it breaks my heart to see him deteriorate. With his constant smoking of cigarettes for 60 years, multiple intestine problems, hernias, muscle issues, tumors galore, hearing problems, cluster migraines, poor diet, non-existent exercise and so many more problems, he’s truly a medical mystery for how he’s made it so far. Earlier last week, he told me that he has been diagnosed with a heart problem called “mitral valve regurgitation,” where blood flows back into his heart through a sort of loose valve every time his heart beats – in short, my father is a ticking time bomb.
My dad’s never been one to talk about his past, yet has always thrived in it - now he’s one short step from being house bound, barely being able to do all the housework he used to be able to do. When I was younger, I vividly remember him being able to get up on ladders to clean gutters, or him being able to walk around shopping malls without getting winded within five minutes.
The one fact remains, I know my dad is going to die soon. I've been preparing for years for my dad's death, but in the end, there's really no way to prepare for it. I don't know the first thing to do when it comes to organizing a funeral, let alone how to sell my home for when my father passes - I don't even want to think about the amount of time and effort that's going to go into cleaning out my house with all his junk when he's gone.
But, most of all, it kills me to think of my dad going through what he is. For years, he's known that he's at death's door, but now with his heart diagnosis, it's just a matter of time now. What hurts even more, is that his impending heart attack is the same way that my mother died years ago, and just thinking about him going through the same thing that my mom did brings me to tears. There's no stopping my dad from dying, just like there was no way of stopping my mom from dying. I'm in no way ready to be parentless at the age of 21, but I know I need to start facing facts. I know I need to start looking up funeral costs, make sure that he has a will and contact whatever family or friends I don't know about at the moment - for now, I need to make the moments last. I need to be home more than ever and make sure that he's comfortable and make him happy.
Having someone close to you die is heart wrenching as it is, but with a parent (especially a single parent that you're close to)... they are the only (usually) guaranteed support structure that you have. You won't be guaranteed to have someone to call if you're sick, or to go to on any short notice, no one to give you advice when you need. you will officially be on your own in the world, and that's a fucking scary thought.
The best thing to do is the keep close to the people that you're close to in life, and keep in mind that dying is just a part of life. I personally know that there are people in my life who will be with me when my dad dies, and will support me in the plannings after his death.... and yet, the thought of my dad's death brings on tears in my eyes and I can feel my throat closing, knowing I'm going to miss him.
