It all started in 1999 when I took my first timed addition quiz. I stared helplessly at the sheet of paper as my first-grade classmates easily answered simple math problems. I could not for the life of me remember what to put for each answer. Finally, I just scribbled whatever I thought sounded good and tried not to sweat too much because everyone else was already done.
In second grade, we learned how to read clocks. I kept quiet and didn't ask for help even though the long arrow and short arrow confused me. I was so afraid to appear dumb, and I thought that I was just bad at math. However, I later found out that this was one of the first major symptoms of dyscalculia, a math learning disability.
Dyscalculia has been my greatest struggle all throughout my life. It means I have a really hard time reading analog clocks, lining up numbers in my head, doing any type of math beyond basic algebra, and even managing finances. It is a very real disability, but also pretty rare. I have never met anyone else with dyscalculia, even though I have met plenty of people with ADHD (something else I have) and people with dyslexia. It does not minimize either of our struggles, but I wish people would be more understanding of those who struggle with math.
My struggles got worse with each passing year. In third grade, I struggled to remember and learn multiplication, and cried over fractions in class. My third-grade teacher would play hopscotch with me and ask me multiplication facts relating to the number I landed on. It clicked for me and every time I took a quiz, I thought of the hopscotch number I had landed on. However, my struggles with math still continued in other areas.
In fourth grade, I couldn't understand long division and got frustrated because everyone else seemed to get it. By fifth grade I had fallen behind dramatically, sitting quietly during math class while everyone learned how to plot points on a graph. I was utterly lost in sixth grade as our teacher introduced beginning algebraic concepts, since I had never mastered much beyond third-grade fractions.
In seventh grade, I was put in a remedial math class that caught me up on three-plus years of missed math concepts, and yet, I still wondered why I struggled so much. Was there something wrong with me? I could read just fine and I had okay handwriting. I could remember facts in other classes pretty well, just not in math.
During high school, I was again placed in "special" math classes and still struggled even in those, despite excelling in honors English and History courses. Finally, in eleventh grade, we went to a neurologist who diagnosed me with dyscalculia.
I was elated. Finally I could put words to what I had struggled with for over a decade. I could stick it to all those teachers who thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I could also stick it to those teachers who thought I was dumb for getting special education services despite being in honors-track courses.
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard "just try harder", "you're not thinking right", "it's a SIMPLE MATH PROBLEM, how do you not understand it", and even "are you just choosing not to get it?" It makes me angry when people think I just don't like math, or that I am dumb at everything because I struggle with math.
The truth is, I would actually really love math if I understood it. It could be really interesting and satisfying to line up numbers and work out complex algebraic equations. I liked sitting in algebra or geometry when I understood the concepts, which did not happen often. Math class wasn't all bad.
Lacking math intelligence does not mean you're stupid in other areas of life, which is something I had to prove to multiple teachers in high school and college. Just because it takes me hours to solve math equations and I have to count on my fingers, doesn't mean I can't read a three-hundred-page book in an hour and hold a discussion on it. Everyone has different areas of strength; their areas of weakness do not and should not take away from those strengths.
My problems with dyscalculia have pushed me to be a better student, a better person, and given me more empathy for those who struggle with more than just math. I wouldn't change how my brain works for anything!
